2204; i wonder if my message got across right.

I want but im choosing what to cut out so i can save up for smth else                                                                                    is not u is the event. Lol like if i can refuse to go for smth i rly like gg for means i can easily refuse other things right!! So ya this is motivation for me lel

this is me trying to even convince myself because this whole part of my life has come to such a low that i am so scared that one of these days i wont have a house to go home to. and my parents suddenly won’t have income at the same time. that the only ones who really do are my sis and my bro. what then? thinking of the worst case scenario but trying to remain as optimistic as possible. cutting out anything that i don’t need. shopping less, trying to eat less. wanting to cook at home but it’s hard with me gone during meal times, at work. i hate it when people tell me, oh i don’t really need the job i don’t really need the money. i look at them then i think to myself, what a good life. i look at those who been studying and studying that they don’t have time to do anything but their priorities and wish that i was one of them. i’ve always worked because i needed the money. and it i especially so this year. you probably think that i’m just another spoilt child who took off her rose-tinted glasses. well, at least i’ve grown up, as much as i hate to say it. i know it’s bad to compare – trust me, i’ve read enough articles and watched enough videos to know that. but you know, sometimes you really just can’t help it. and what you spend somewhere, you gotta squeeze dry elsewhere. say, i ate a $15 meal. then the next day, i would eat one less or eat at home (biscuits and bread). it’s not so bad now that i’m working two jobs. but i still feel it. everytime someone suggest japanese, korean, good food other than hawker or food court, my mind just goes sigh, just this time. gonna have to eat cheaper for the next one. my parents are eating even cheaper than me. i can only imagine the weight of our loads plus the company’s on them. i am sad that i don’t get to eat dinner with them for the past 2 weeks because i’m working. (maybe i’m also feeling extra emotional because i’m on my period but honestly it is during this time that i feel vulnerable enough to say something; maybe everything for the past month or so …) the only things making me truly happy deep down is when i get to have family time, when i get into my bed, when i talk to n. on weds, when i think about my masters. the other times, i am happy but there is always something missing. i hate this feeling of vulnerability and sympathy and a part of me just wants to go somewhere where no one will find me.

i’m sorry this post is so convoluted.. i just needed  a  s p a c e  to let it out and then i’ll be ok again. i feel like i can’t turn to anyone because they won’t understand me even if i tell them about my situation so this is the only place i can come to. the gym is my other happy place but it’s been on and off and it’s difficult if i have these thoughts at 10pm because obvioiusly i’m not going to gym at 2200.

some nights when i lay in bed and look out my window and the cars/empty road beneath, thoughts of suicide come to mind, paranoia and constant worry that i just have to swallow it down even when im near to tears before i force myself to head to dreamworld when everything becomes ok again. recently, i have a couple of nights where i’d wake up at 3 or 4 and i can’t fall back asleep till 5/6 and then wake up at 830 because of my body clock. and i just feel so drained and low…

i feel like we’re going to go bankrupt soon. i feel it in my bones and i’m scared to death. more than anything else in the world. cos then, what will happen to my dad and mom. especially my dad. i actually don’t want them to die of diseases before me. let me die before them if it means i’m giving them quality years of life after. i don’t know whether i said it here before; one of my goals in life, is to provide my parents enough to travel the world without worrying so much. that my monthly allowance to them is enough to cover all their expenses. and for that, i’m going to work fucking hard for my masters and get my dream job which pays me fucking well because they need me in disaster prediction and earth studies — i mean, who else wants to study rocks in depth? that’s right, it’s fucking rare and it’s fucking beautiful.

so i hope i got my message across right. i’d now rather a meal and drinks and teoheng and movies over an event like this. i’d rather quality time. because that’s how i define quality time. not something where you can hardly see each other in the dark. talk in overcrowded places, rushing for houses. yeah sure you can talk during the long queues, but i don’t find that quality. i’m sorry if we have different definitions of quality now; i’ve changed i guess?

see? i’m back to myself again. my eyes have dried and i feel much better and ready to conquer the rest of the week and weeks to come.

 

xx

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2204; i wonder if my message got across right.

0933h; the first love.

and after the first one, you learn.

you just learn that 2 people can live without each other.

2 people can be in a relationship and be in love

but not head over heels for each other.

because

that’s just how a real relationship works.

you learn to be independent and less reliant on your partner.

you learn that it’s nice to have him there supporting but it’s even better to continue to do what you normally do.

we all learn after the first one.

so can you.

 

 

 

i’ll give you one day of grief and then, wipe off those damn tears. they aren’t worth spilling.

0933h; the first love.

2023h; i want to be a

geologist

  • interpret subsurface — identify rocks — seek out routes where contamination may take place i.e. if there’s an earthquake that damage the nuclear reactor, waste pollution; investigate contamination pathways
  • groundwater

disaster predictor (?) — no idea what this position is called, help?

  • involved with earthquakes, volcanic eruption, studying the earth
  • predicting extent of impact and recommending mitigation

conservationist

  • part time side job with income from a proper job
  • marine conservationist, save the seagrass, save the dugongs.

travel writer

  • jot down, photograph, video and create authentic experiences and share it to the world
  • create create create
2023h; i want to be a

2007h; selfless love. 

My parents bought me a new laptop today. They keep giving and i keep taking and taking and taking. And the bills keep piling. I want to be able to repay all that before school ends but i don’t know if i can. Sigh. Stop giving me things if it means you’re being robbed of them. 

): 
xx
P/s down with the flu. my head is throbbing, i feel dizzy and my nose wont stop getting congested. Also, i spat out phlegm this morning… ugh. 

2007h; selfless love. 

0004h; today i am happy

If you need money for education, we will pay for it. You want to do masters, PhD, can, go ahead. But only for education. 

The dream to be a geologist/geophysicist has been reignited. Initially, i told her, there’s nothing i want to master in. I thought that if i didn’t have a bachelor based in geosciences, it was lost hope. Apparently not. 

The past 8 months, i looked, i searched and explored other options. I visualised my future but i couldn’t see a clear one. Can i see myself doing this my entire life? I couldn’t. And despite all that forcing of myself into a box, telling people things like, i’m interested in conservation, marketing, writing, travel logging, personal shopper. All of that, i’m interested in and so, i didn’t lie. I just didn’t say the extent of my interest which led me back to the same epitome i had: i was lying to myself. I was thinking of alternatives that i could see myself doing for a timebeing, being full of temporary vigor and only to have it fizzle out in the long run. I don’t think i’ve ever been so excited to do my research on anything. 

4 years ago, i almost flew to australia to take up a bachelor of geoscience. A part of me regretted not doing that. A part of me – till now – still fucking hurts that i wasn’t accepted into NTU’s department of Earth Sciences. Jealous of others who were and it kept eating away at me. (Most of them today aren’t even sure why they’re in that course. They’re just in it because it’s trendy and only the AAAs could enter. I couldn’t and I didn’t understand.) So bit by bit, i convinced myself i wasn’t capable of pursuing this field anymore and deluded mysef into alternate career paths. For instance, when i was on exchange in Hong Kong, i was clearly friggin stoked at the opportunity i could get learning under their pretty established geosciences department (something NUS sorely lacks; i’m clearly not a fan of NUS). But i got shut down. I went for a Petrology module and it was so difficult, my brain couldn’t wrap around it. Then i dropped to a beginner level Petrology module. Again, it was too complex. I left the lecture halfway. I was discouraged and decided to “make the switch”. It was a cowardly move. It’s the same theory as a rebound. The next up on my list which was far from my first was conservation. Well, it still had to do with nature right? None of you know this, cos i hid it well. While i enjoyed the class, i despised it. It was a bizarre tangle of emotions i couldn’t place a finger on. Why was i feeling like i’m pulled in two directions? I don’t know. So, i ignored it and i moved onto my interview with CI general secretary of Hong Kong branch and my internship with Marine Conservation Cambodia. I sent out internship applications the whole time i was in HK and had interviews over there – tell me, who does these kinds of serious shit during their exchange?? I was turned down by all except for the one i’m fully funding for – yes, without stipend. I also sent in my CV to marine conservation groups in Singapore today – for a different reason i’ll go into detail much later. I sent my CV to a luxury travel startup agency and was accepted as an intern for the winter break but later turned down due to their busy period. 

Each time, my ego broke. I felt more useless and more disheartened. I felt like i couldn’t find a place in this world. I thought of dying young and what it would be to leave the world knowing that you contributed a little and you tried but nothing ever worked in your favour. I thought of positive quotes to keep my spirits up like, how the longer road doesn’t mean you’re backtracking, you just needed more time to figure it out. You’re made for a journey of a lifetime, one with tests after tests which break you down the hardest mentally. Your fortitude will keep you going. I kept reminding myself that, like mantras. I got to a point so low recently that these mantras didn’t work as well anymore. (Maybe because i’m also PMS-ing)  i was just scouring and grabbing at anything that can alleviate my situation for a little bit. Like, i signed up for the MINDEF recruitment session and I even went for a recruitment session at Suntec and had a talk with Prudential and the possibility of considering a career as a financial consultant. But, i know i couldn’t do that to myself. I couldn’t. I couldn’t relegate myself to that. I wouldn’t be able to face my peers, my family, myself. 

So i waited. I busied myself. I spent too much. And somehow, i guess my mom kinda knew and a sudden ray of hope shone through. It took me a day and a half to realize the meaning of what she said. As soon as I did, the fog in front of my eyes dississpated and i was happy and at ease. This lightheartedness that i’m feeling, i know it’ll last. 

Then again, you all know me. I’m the kind of person who feels alot of things at a particular time when it’s affecting me but give me a day and i’ll move on. I don’t know whether it’s like this this time, but, one thing’s for sure, i’ve wanted this since pre-University; i merely got lost on my way here, trying to make myself fit into the mold of straightforward tertiary education pathway. 

xx

0004h; today i am happy

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.

here’s on thing you probably don’t know about me.

i love golf. i’ve learnt and played it for almost half my life (10 years). from the age of seven, i’d spend a few evenings weekly with my family at the range. we stayed from an hour or maybe until the range closes. i was too young to know better, i despised the way people viewed golf as an old-timer’s sport as it made me embarrassed to learn. but, it brought me great joy and satisfaction. for some reason, it made me feel alive. it made me annoyed and frustrated when i kept ‘topping’ the ball or when i dug a whole in the green and have to patch it up. it made me happy and surprised whenever i pitched my ball right into/near the hole and whenever i got my ball out of the bunker. it made me anxious whenever i see my ball travel towards the ponds. it made me feel so good when the club hits the ball just right. it made me feel better seeing my ball travel from 30m to 50m to 100m, to 250m and on those rare occasions, 310m as i grew up. and with prize money to win, a competition between my siblings and i was created. we had to try to score the best out of the 3 sets of 10 balls with everybody using the same club. the prize money was worth $50. it was good money that eventually my brother and i took turns to win and tied most of the times.

days of carrying a basket – some times, two – of 100 balls up the stairs to my booth and nights of complaints are long gone. each session turned into a chore as our heavy gold bags weighed on our shoulders, each session felt longer than ever, each session made me complacent. eventually, we drifted from the sport. days turn to weeks to months and to years; what was once within my grasp now unbearably distant.

i miss the time the entire family spent at the range. i miss going for 9/18 holes with them. i miss feeling the swing. time and again, when there’s not a single soul around, i’d find an empty spot to practice my swing and i’ll think to myself, hey, look who still got it?

i blamed my dad for teaching me a sport only the middle class can enjoy. i blamed him for it because i couldn’t just talk about it with anybody from school. i blamed him for making me fall in love with it, unpredictably and subtly.

and i blame myself for giving up on it when it clearly held such strong memories for me.

i took it for granted then and i won’t make the same mistake again. picking up this pasttime without a country club any longer will be harder but definitely cheaper and more sustainable. only it can bring me nostalgia, comfort and accomplishment.

till then, here’s one new thing you discovered about me.

 

xx

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.