0141h;

Today i was reminded to be content with what i have now and stop worrying too much about the future. I kept grinding myself down to the bone every other night that I forgot that in this moment, I had it all. Friends who support me, family who loves me, a partner who cares for me, a source of income, a rather enjoyable schedule. Yet, I get so caught up in the future and wishing for things at 1111 and I forget to be thankful for what I currently have.

Most of us will probably feel this way at least once in your life especially if you compare yourself to others. Friends all around know what they want to do and have already applied but I’m still lost. And a good friend reminded me, “it’s okay to not know what you want now”. In a way, I’m scared to lose out if I can’t catch up. I don’t want to be a let down. I don’t want pitiful eyes- eyes that look at you and wonder, what happened to her? Why did she turn out this way?

When will I ever be satisfied if I keep feeling this way? If I keep on chasing tail coats, it’ll be endless.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking (Probably had 1.5-2pints) or my mind being hyperactive as usual right before I sleep.

I’ll leave it at that then. Off topic, I might just cut out drinking from my life unless it’s for savouring.

Night

xx

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0141h;

0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

three hours ago, i spotted a red cap and my heart flipped. (coincidentally, i was blasting wang lee hom’s xin tiao.) i thought i saw you standing there at the bus stop opposite beauty world, with your head slightly bowed down as you stared at your feet. it couldn’t be, it can’t be. but a part of me wished so hard that it was you.

and that was when i realized i’m in real trouble.

xx

0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

2039h; New Year’s Eve

Well here I am again on this New Year’s Eve collecting my thoughts of 2017. Sitting at my desk, typing away with the rain pouring outside and sipping on a hot cuppa cocoa, enjoying this lovely last day of the year on my own.

screw it. 

yes, hi everyone. it is indeed new year’s eve and i’m here holed up at home typing away. (this is the most anticlimatic and boring nye eva.) the only thing i can thank for now is the weather for raining and making this day not as happening (but i doubt so). yes yes you guessed it right, i wish i had a party i could go to or just some friends to hang out with – sobs, loner alert – but nope, i’m at home all bathed and ready to snuggle! can’t even cuddle with n. but ok let’s not turn this into a ranting post because it is new year’s eve. let’s end it well, shall we?

so. 2017, what can i say? it’s been an  a m a z i n g  year! i loved every day every hour ever minute every second of it. all i been through all i done; whether it made me happy and carefree as i could have ever been or sad as fuck (or vulgar) – it was truly a year of self-discovery and learning and independence and freedom and EVERYTHING i could dream of having in my life. i found myself to lose myself to somehow find myself again and i found love. a love so torn by distance and uncertainty yet determined to bloom between the cracks. i’m so blessed this year. yes there were struggles and breakdowns and times where i feel so depressed and incompetent that noone could pull me out for days and yes it’s still lingering there in the back of my mind but challenging myself, resisting any urge to give up. doing all i can with what i have- just doing, has got me the opportunities i had — reaching out to prof wong, talking to hongkong’s CI general manager, sending in applications after applications to have gotten MCC (so easily) and then being able to dive, pushing myself to make the best poster i could and then realizing i can actually do it, i can do more than that, going for pole dancing and realizing it was so fun and i absolutely love swinging, applying for a winter-2018 internship and getting it and now i’m actually in charge of designing and managing their account. and to have new friends coming and definitely sticking on in my life and having old ones still hanging and supporting me especially during that medical scare. god, i’m so blessed. so so blessed. and i guess sitting here now in front of my computer typing away isn’t so bad after all.

i love 2017; i love you so much i wish i could restart this entire year and do everything again and again and again.

also, possibly because i know 2018 is going to be a bloody difficult year … haha

but of course, we can’t have it that way. it wouldn’t be fair. i got my 2017 because i worked for every bit of it. i sent in 4 applications because i desperately wanted to go on exchange, i got my courage to talk to prof to interact with him (something i have never done in my entire life) and i got that interview with her, i sent so many applications to have 1 reply to me saying ‘yes’ although a little too late and another saying ‘yes’ almost immediately. after 4 years, i got my advanced diving licence. i went on a trip immediately after coming back. i was going everywhere with the money i was blessed to have and now i’m working hard for to make 2018 just as fantastic as 2017.

to be unafraid. to be courageous. to be bold. to be patient. to be persistent. to be diligent. to be accountable. to be aware. to be loved and to love. to taste, to touch, to smell, to see, to listen.

everything.

i love you, 2017 and as much as i hate to say goodbye to you – because i’m utterly scared and helpless at the expectations and the pressures and basically, what’s  o u t  there waiting for me after graduation, i will say goodbye to you. but it won’t be the end because i won’t let it end. making 2018 as fabulous as the year i’ve had will be my goal. giving my all. in everything.

thank you 2017, you were such a great run. (‘:

so, tonight; i’m at home, all done with this entry and ready to snuggle up on the sofa, watching movies with mum.

have a great night despite the rainy weather everyone. tonight may not have fireworks but at least remember the year you’ve been through. whether it’s good or bad, it definitely taught you something.

and now, i’ll sign off and with a hand on my aching back and yoko feeling my nose, i’m gonna leave 2017 behind and welcome 2018 with severe lower back pain that won’t go away after 3 weeks. #2018 #aging #23on23 #hurrah #laoliao #ded

 

 

xx

 

p/s: oh ya this year i got more natural. like, my brows and my skincare everything, more fuss free. nice.

2039h; New Year’s Eve

1141h; “Ask me again in 5 years.”

Skip this cos it’s gonna be a little cringe-y. 

Been talking to N. for a few hours for the past 3 days straight. The days passed fast and the conversations we had were both bitter and sweet- not bittersweet. We were talking about all sorts of things from the sea festival to marriage and kids (absolute no-no for me) to trivial daily stuff like pimples and scars and makeup and food and clothes and love.I really like how it is now between us and I pray it doesn’t change.

After that really serious conversation, it got me thinking: why must love have a forever? why do people think of forever when you can and you should enjoy what you have now? isn’t now good enough? why are you expecting more? (when the other can’t deliver because s/he too afraid to hope and to promise like s/he did before). S/he is learning from past mistakes.

I think about so many things like work and school and graduation and masters and what the heck do i do after may 2018?! that I didn’t want this to be a priority even though i subconsciously hang it up in my head to remind myself. I don’t want to feed you with so much happiness that when it’s over because of circumstances and NOT not loving enough that I’d see you break. Kept telling you not to wait, move on if someone else better comes along… and when I try to say all that, I’m reminded by how my sister’s relationship ended. I’m the guy, this time round. But aren’t I thinking for both our sake?! Or am I just selfish…? Or am I scared?

I told oa that the person who proposes to me must know the songs I like and have it play in the background when it happens or at the wedding. Little by little, I’m realizing that the songs you know, the ones you’re learning to sing and the ones you like, are almost the same as mine.

Now, I still think we’re running parallel. I still think our worlds won’t meet no matter how much we try to pull them together. I still think, maybe, in another universe, I deserve you. 

xx

1141h; “Ask me again in 5 years.”

1927h; a bathroom moment to myself

I don’t want to do anything. I want to huddle up in bed with a computer or a good book and a mug of hot tea and a rainy night that lasts for days.

My head hurts from everything – coughing, lack of proper sleep, sleeping with wet hair, having to contribute so much to the project, working without a proper day off (except for last friday i forgot what it was like to just be alone and having your own time). Damn you obligations, as well.

xx

1927h; a bathroom moment to myself

1628h;

when you’re fucking irritated and angry but you know you can’t blame anyone but yourself cos it’s just not right to blame other people even though technically the presence of the other person messed up your flow and rhythm and made everything screwed up. And then how you also know that one day- okay, not even one day, it’s probably already happening now but like how this person probably talks behind your back like how she does anyone else whether they are her close friends, enemies or previous friends. more than once or twice or thrice did i find out about it and more than these times did it make me question the actual worth of this friendship. wonder if the others thought this way too. 

1628h;