0758h; up before anyone else.

it’s tough.

a nail shouldn’t be bugging me this much.

but it’s tough,

knowing that i’m practically

trapped by my own body. 

and that, 

i’m useless 

on this island.

what i want is assurance 

but now, all i get is, 

words of sympathy and how-are-yous

you’re so brave! i wouldn’t do it by myself.
is there a reason for these unfortunate events to happen? 

0758h; up before anyone else.

1058h; breaking down walls

last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it.  i  just  gotta  go .  find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.

 

xx

 

 

1058h; breaking down walls

almost all packed & good to go

it is day 130 of 132 days here. in 30 minutes, it’ll be 131 of 132. 

my revision for my last paper on CSR & Envt Auditing is done and my luggage are 70% packed. my time in hong kong is ending and i feel just a little empty.

for the initial few months, i lived like i was on holiday – just the neccessities, some still unpacked. when march approached, i made this place my home – took ownership, cleaned my room and washed my sheets every week, hung up the miscellaneous, took time out to moisturize and to treat myself, kept rubber bands and plastic bags, visited the gym often enough. now lying against the wall in the corner of my bed with my pillow propping me up, i see my entire room before me and how it was like when i first came in. behind me is the view of jockey village 2 and i remember my first thought, wow, this view is gorgeous, i get to see the sea and the hills behind the buildings and university life before me. sentimental, just a little bit. to think that i would come to call this place my own even if it was just for a few months.

{today, i navigated around sheung wan with shannon and when she said that we had to get to queens central road. automatically, my feet led me to where it was because of the many times i’ve been there.}

it won’t be hard to say goodbye but i’ll definitely miss this little space i have where nobody (except for shan and the occasional luyao) to bug me. i remember the first few weeks being so jam-packed with socializing and how i didn’t have time for myself. i remember my bed being so cold and my blanket wasn’t enough to keep me warm despite wearing double layers of clothes as pajamas. every night, i had to use the hairdryer to warm up my bed before i could fall comfortably asleep only to wake up freezing. and in the last few weeks till now, my legs are exposed and my blanket is kicked aside every morning. at night, the air is cool and my bed invites me. and, i was mostly a homebody. this space gave me independence and freedom. having a roomie like emily who comes and goes lets me have a taste of both worlds – having a roomie and living alone. the silence at night is so so so calming, something i’ll never get back in singapore. i’ll miss this. a  w h o l e  l o t .

the everyday little things like walking/brisk walking/running down to school and the mtr – cos late – will be one of the most fond memories. making a detour or making a special trip just to buy polo bao or macs fries will always put a smile to my face. not to mention the first few times xinyi and i climbed up and down the hill with our groceries that either in plastic bags or our recycled bags. the times iris and xinyi and the rest came over to cook/eat at my pantry – and me being the pantry ic. oh and those times i visited my favourite place in hong kong, only to have to see so many people there cos of the instaworthy platform – bruh, i didn’t even get my shot on it. it’s funny, maybe cos during those moments, i lived like i was actually staying here permanently. i could visit whenever i want and not worry that i no longer be able to see/eat it.

getting lost in directions and in conversations were always a constant. gotten better at navigation though. i tried to learn cantonese but every time the new words or phrases just slip by my mind.

so, xiu xiu guang dong hua hai okay.

i’ll miss the lao sha bao, polo bao, beef brisket noodles from that local stall on a hill (it made it to discoverhk i’m so proud but then now people will know the place sigh) … so i’m going to eat them tomorrow after my paper plus, go to mongkok to find a nude cap for my bro.

spent many moments here worried, sad, annoyed and angry but mostly happy. thankful for having found a true friend in the people i met here and will definitely miss them once we part ways. last night, emily and i were just talking about how it’s scary that we won’t be able to see each other anymore after seeing each other for almost 5 months straight. if we ever want to see each other again, it’ll be when we visit each other. and we joked about how for those we aren’t that close to, it’ll be funny when we find out, a few years down the road, that they are some big shot manager.

this exchange has been such a pleasant and satisfying experience.

ahh, hong kong, i’ll miss you.

 

as i sign off and head to bed – my paper is at 0930h – i just want to say,

thank you for showing me & gifting me with one of the best presents i could ever ask for.

 

nighty night.

xx

 

2349h

 

prolly heading to lkf tomorrow night, study hard play hard hor. oh and, prolly meeting this cutie i saw at the gym and shan happened to play bball with tomorrow – like an incidental ‘oh, hey’ (;

almost all packed & good to go

my strengths & weakness, according to S.

strengths

(i) guarded, do not wear heart on the sleeve. slow to warm up to.

(ii) individualistic, this world has too many people following trends. “so you’re different, which is a good thing”

i actually think i know myself eh, maybe i contemplate too much; sucked in my world too much that i don’t know about the outside aka narcissistic?

weakness 

(i) not sure, maybe indifference and self-aware?

(ii) she doesn’t know “we’re still in the exciting process of getting to know each other” lel.

 

ok bye.

 

my strengths & weakness, according to S.

74/__ late night conversations

I received it. Your love. Your care. Your concern. The times you’ve been attentive to these minute little details. 

Just to let you know, i’ve stopped blow drying my bed – maybe only when the night turns cold. But it hardly does anymore. This morning, I woke up feeling really warm and nice, i didn’t want to leave the bed. But i had to, for my interview. It didn’t go that well, but i’ll hope for the best anyway.
Most of the times, i find myself lost. I see my friends around me having their lives sorted out yet here i am, struggling, trying to figure it out and end up taking a longer way. Maybe i’m meant to take the long way my entire life. I wonder if i’ll reach a point of exhaustion that i wouldn’t want to try anymore. 

At 1am, i’ve been told that i’m someone who’s emotionally disconnected; there’s a barrier i put up and it’s difficult for people to get close. For me, it’s easy to shut them out. If i don’t want to talk about it, i don’t want to. Unless my heart reserved a special place for you. So, I don’t disagree with them. It’s tough to be close to someone and not know whether they’d be scared off and run away. Maybe I’m the one who’s inspired and you’re in the position of admiration. 

I prioritise my passion over anything else and i don’t know why. Why i am so idealistic and optimistic even if it helps me, it won’t pay me. 

I wish i could love someone like a normal person would. But i guess, i just don’t function that way. Thank you for being in my life. 

love you

xx


3:12AM

74/__ late night conversations

66/__ the hiatus

“sometimes when it’s not meant to be, there’s no point forcing it”

this point in our lives we realize that our dreams can either be taken completely away from us or handed to us regardless of how hardworking we are. we’re built up with hopes and dreams of the ideal future. yet we’re trapped in this reality and we finally understand that not all of us are able to be in the place we want to be.

“you’re not good enough”

“this resume isn’t cutting it.”

“but i’m trying”

“i’ll just put you in this field instead of the one you originally chose”

and there it goes, the deviation from the original path.

i haven’t been here in this space for a long, long time. let me quickly catch you up on how i’ve been.

i definitely can say that the past 3 weeks have been a ride of emotions.

the week after my birthday was spent in the booths/sofas of LES, revising for my CCST module (which i ended failing miserably, 0.5/5; honestly, never failed so bad in my life), doing up my protected areas essay, preparing for debate before my mum and sis reach hong kong on 3 march. OH RIGHT, but the first saturday after my birthday was spent at dragonland. a bloody awesome time.

the weekend my family came to hong kong was a mad, tiring rush. i barely had 2 hours of sleep the first day. we spent the weekend walking for hours and visiting tourist sites. ocean park was good. apparently it’s the original theme park in hong kong with its many coaster rides. then we took the ding ding and rode around hong kong island. gosh, i’m actually gonna admit that i kind of miss my family? cos it’s so easy and comfortable to live like how i do in singapore just for that weekend.

the following 2 days were a blur before my flight to japan on tuesday night with bae3. japan japan japan i really love you alot. being able to go to japan and tick it off my bucketlist is so satisfying. i’m definitely going back for more. japan. you were a huge part of my childhood and i think i’ve never been more excited about a trip than this trip to japan. this is the best birthday present i could ever gift to myself. (‘:

so basically, my reading week was spent in japan. ah i miss it already.

i had my CCST debate today and an interview this afternoon with nus. i hope all goes well. then, it’s my roomie and my turn to make floor food. so we had to grocery shop and make the butter cornflake gooey thing. I expected it to be gooey but it turned out rather hard and crunchy? is this right? for dinner, i went to kau kee (again) for beef brisket noodles before coming home to chill with bae2 and shannon and then have a short skype call with the parents.

it’s 1:07 in the morning.

i guess i’m going to go sleep. there’s a fieldtrip to tai lam country park tomorrow morning and we’ve to gather by 8:45am.

goodnight(:

xx

 

btw, watch kimi no nawa if you’re free. it’s a really good anime!

 

 

 

 

66/__ the hiatus