you know you’ve been pretty deprived when what you saw 2 weekends ago suddenly looks and feels a whole lot brighter and better. lel. forreals, captain chimp’s is so friggin clean and the road is so easy to walk on (esp since i’m injured). omg can’t wait for a good bed and aircon!!!
😛
it’s tough.
a nail shouldn’t be bugging me this much.
but it’s tough,
knowing that i’m practically
trapped by my own body.
and that,
i’m useless
on this island.
what i want is assurance
but now, all i get is,
words of sympathy and how-are-yous
you’re so brave! i wouldn’t do it by myself.
is there a reason for these unfortunate events to happen?
F M Lthird day here and,
MY ENTIRE NAIL CAME OFF.
And my very, very fierce thought was wow. For christ’s sake! I was mesmerized by the sight of blood overflowing my toenail, what’s left over it. Damn it.
And then, my thoughts became more decent. Shit I should’ve worn a shoe. I won’t be able to go into the sea! What the… my toe has no nail which means i can’t paint my toenails until my toes FULLY RECOVER. Fml, why is it that these kind of things happen to me?? Something always gets messed/screwed up 🤦🏻♀️what a klutz. what a L O S E R . It has only been THREE days on the island and, TMR I’m going back to mainland.
My life. Always. Has. To. Be. Messed. Up. And. Dumb.
SERIOUSLY! Why don’t I just have my life smooth sailing! Have I been cursed to born under an ungrateful ancestor?
And, when will I dive? how long does it take to recover? It’s gonna be so shit, showering and changing with this injury. I can’t play the victim. Be strong. -breathe- It’s not painful yet right? But yep, walking with a limb. Can’t even touch water for at least 2 weeks. Fuck.
Evans was the first to ask What’s up when Emma went down to Amick. And. The first other person who came with first aid to check on it.
But then, It could have been a lot worse. I thank God that I forced myself to shave my legs last night, the joint Amick gave me to soothe the pain, my friend (Emma) and the kid (Fern). I don’t blame her for this… here’s how my day went.
Oh yeah! I can kind of breathe properly now, no more cold.
And i spent my afternoon on the hammock, reading the dive book and swaying in the breeze.
Around 1600h, i finished reading the book and was so happy to tell Amick about it. I was just chilling on my hammock, drinking water and looking at the sea view. As I was about to swallow my water, E. came by and asked about my date and me to her. She told me she was gardening and I asked if she needed help but had the nudging at the back of my brain, you know?
So, I helped pick up stones from the beach, put ’em in the bucket and brought them up. On one of my last rounds, I picked up 2 huge rocks. And when i left the beach, one of it fell out so i rearranged it properly before carrying up the hill again.
I placed both buckets on the stair and handed E. one of them. While i gave it to her, the rock from the other bucket fell right on it. My body moved back (could’ve saved myself!) and my big toe got hit the hardest. So my nail dangled off a small skin still attached.
I felt slightly lightheaded since I haven’t had lunch and it was already late evening. So E. passed me a sweet and A. got cold water for me. A few seconds passed and I felt my hands go slightly numb, Evans came by with his own first aid kit. Wow seriously. In that moment, you’re still in my mind. Wow talia, your priorities.
A. was like okay, to kill the pain, i have beer or joint. And I was like, can I try some joint? We smoked a little together and then, he gave me the remaining, telling me to smoke it when it hurts like a bitch, especially the next day. And it’s lying beside me now, on my bed. Haha
Yerp, so that’s how i Tried my first joint AND had my toenail completely detached. It’s throbbing now.
Many Khmer people came and went. Fern stayed and E. helped me out. Then the day went on as normal but I was a bit too chill and my mouth couldn’t speak properly and I had to drink alot of waterrr.
I’m just sian that I can’t dive. ): god i pray for a really quick recovery ok!!
oh mai gawd.
one night here and my eyes are swollen. probably because of the kids’ makeup – ikr, first day already kanna attack by them – and maybe the mosquito net. Ughs.
xx
i havent touched the sea in forever,
i’m super excited to be reunited
and it’s washing away my fears.
it’s no longee the queasy, scared feeling but more of the i can’t wait for this adventure to begin.
(:
as i fall face down on the master bed. one heavy leg over my bottom half and slightly red eyes brimming with tears in front of me.
so sad you’re leaving again cannot spend time together. it’s okay, when you come back we’ll spend time okay.
it’s much harder to leave this time.
last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it. i just gotta go . find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.
xx
