it’s been 3 days
it’s been 6 days
why does it feel like an eternity has passed when it has only been 16 days since i got back? maybe all the late nights and overthinking has messed with my body for good.
khnom nuk neak. whenever you ask me this, you’ll say that i have no idea what you’re talking about. you’ll say that you say it too much and that you feel it more than i do. but you’re not the only one in this.
i think a part of me wants this to
.
.
.
stop.
xx
” I bloomed when you held me,
The comfort between your arms
Felt like a warm enough place
To let my guard down
I didn’t need any armour
Because you had already put me
Up so high.
You know, some boys raise women up
In their strong arms
And some boys raise women up
By using words like snowflakes
Unique and different and inspiring
The higher they go,
The less they need to be afraid
But the arms lifting you
Can choose to come back down
And bring you with them
And words like snow
Melt when it gets too hot
And that was never
The kind of high I wanted anyway
You were nervous around me
I saw you stumble
With your snowflake words
I felt your arms loosen
So I could fit between them
I felt your body curve
As I pressed against it
And that was always
The kind of high I wanted. ”
xx
–
i cried in my sleep last night. i don’t remember why and who, but i know that there were many deaths.
this whole time, my interpretation of physical and human geography was clear, to myself. but when i repeat my preference of the physical to others, they assume that it has nothing, completely nothing to do with humans. that’s wrong.
in fact, the geography that i’ve grown to love even more ties in with humans. yes, i love the science of nature but i love its interaction with humans as well. so i guess, the physical i’m referring to is the science and its ecosystem. a biogeographic sphere.
and when i say ‘human geography’, what i actually meant are topics such as population, globalization, transportation, gender … the list goes on. then again, i love reading news on world politics and culture.
that’s me, i guess. I probably can’t undo all the knots i’ve created. here’s this entry to make it clear once and for all to myself and to all who’re reading.
xx
The past 7 months of travel has come to an end and as I try to wrap my head around that, I’m also embarking on my last year of university. With the end of university comes adulting and I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet despite my efforts of ‘gearing up’ during this final leg.
Sometimes, I feel like the past 7 months outside Singapore never happened and I was just in a comatose state. It felt like someone else was living my life. Fortunately, my filled up gallery, the rolls of undeveloped film and constant reminders of low storage space has kept me grounded. Coming back to a family and a financial reality made me feel very, very grateful everything I was given over the 7 months, especially the last 2 months. With no car, a dying business, a tentative home address and the waiting of important emails, my entire life is hanging in suspense right now. I don’t know where I’ll be at the end of the year. I don’t know how I’ll be at the end of the year.
Today, as I start my Year 4, one thing I really pray for is that I counted my modules right. It feels like I did but I can’t be too sure, y’know. I’m excited to learn more about the ocean and climate change. I’m excited to learn about lifestyle habits. Guys, I can’t wait to fit my work schedule and my internship into my 3 day timetable and make sure I’ve a filled up week for this semester. Everything, while temporary, seems to be falling nicely in place for now.
And finally, I’m the senior of the school. This day has come again. I’ve waited so long to feel like a senior again cos the last time was when I was in secondary school. JC doesn’t do it since it’s only a 2-year programme. You just have a different feel and vibe about everything when you’re a senior, you know? haha
xx
“Okay so K. will be the most successful (he thinks alot). V. has the most secure job. L. is driven about what he wants. S. is jobless. You are focused on your studies. And, I am just flopping around.”
Our current situations right now.
xx
Anddd, good morning,
I found my face funny this morning.
The more i talk about it, the more unreal it seems, the more detached I feel, the more impractical it becomes. Yet, the message vibration notifications i’m receiving reminds me that it is real and if i truly am sincere and honest with my feelings about this, i’d give my best shot.
But, i’m still stuck in between deluding and accepting.
xx
