I want but im choosing what to cut out so i can save up for smth else is not u is the event. Lol like if i can refuse to go for smth i rly like gg for means i can easily refuse other things right!! So ya this is motivation for me lel
this is me trying to even convince myself because this whole part of my life has come to such a low that i am so scared that one of these days i wont have a house to go home to. and my parents suddenly won’t have income at the same time. that the only ones who really do are my sis and my bro. what then? thinking of the worst case scenario but trying to remain as optimistic as possible. cutting out anything that i don’t need. shopping less, trying to eat less. wanting to cook at home but it’s hard with me gone during meal times, at work. i hate it when people tell me, oh i don’t really need the job i don’t really need the money. i look at them then i think to myself, what a good life. i look at those who been studying and studying that they don’t have time to do anything but their priorities and wish that i was one of them. i’ve always worked because i needed the money. and it i especially so this year. you probably think that i’m just another spoilt child who took off her rose-tinted glasses. well, at least i’ve grown up, as much as i hate to say it. i know it’s bad to compare – trust me, i’ve read enough articles and watched enough videos to know that. but you know, sometimes you really just can’t help it. and what you spend somewhere, you gotta squeeze dry elsewhere. say, i ate a $15 meal. then the next day, i would eat one less or eat at home (biscuits and bread). it’s not so bad now that i’m working two jobs. but i still feel it. everytime someone suggest japanese, korean, good food other than hawker or food court, my mind just goes sigh, just this time. gonna have to eat cheaper for the next one. my parents are eating even cheaper than me. i can only imagine the weight of our loads plus the company’s on them. i am sad that i don’t get to eat dinner with them for the past 2 weeks because i’m working. (maybe i’m also feeling extra emotional because i’m on my period but honestly it is during this time that i feel vulnerable enough to say something; maybe everything for the past month or so …) the only things making me truly happy deep down is when i get to have family time, when i get into my bed, when i talk to n. on weds, when i think about my masters. the other times, i am happy but there is always something missing. i hate this feeling of vulnerability and sympathy and a part of me just wants to go somewhere where no one will find me.
i’m sorry this post is so convoluted.. i just needed a s p a c e to let it out and then i’ll be ok again. i feel like i can’t turn to anyone because they won’t understand me even if i tell them about my situation so this is the only place i can come to. the gym is my other happy place but it’s been on and off and it’s difficult if i have these thoughts at 10pm because obvioiusly i’m not going to gym at 2200.
some nights when i lay in bed and look out my window and the cars/empty road beneath, thoughts of suicide come to mind, paranoia and constant worry that i just have to swallow it down even when im near to tears before i force myself to head to dreamworld when everything becomes ok again. recently, i have a couple of nights where i’d wake up at 3 or 4 and i can’t fall back asleep till 5/6 and then wake up at 830 because of my body clock. and i just feel so drained and low…
i feel like we’re going to go bankrupt soon. i feel it in my bones and i’m scared to death. more than anything else in the world. cos then, what will happen to my dad and mom. especially my dad. i actually don’t want them to die of diseases before me. let me die before them if it means i’m giving them quality years of life after. i don’t know whether i said it here before; one of my goals in life, is to provide my parents enough to travel the world without worrying so much. that my monthly allowance to them is enough to cover all their expenses. and for that, i’m going to work fucking hard for my masters and get my dream job which pays me fucking well because they need me in disaster prediction and earth studies — i mean, who else wants to study rocks in depth? that’s right, it’s fucking rare and it’s fucking beautiful.
so i hope i got my message across right. i’d now rather a meal and drinks and teoheng and movies over an event like this. i’d rather quality time. because that’s how i define quality time. not something where you can hardly see each other in the dark. talk in overcrowded places, rushing for houses. yeah sure you can talk during the long queues, but i don’t find that quality. i’m sorry if we have different definitions of quality now; i’ve changed i guess?
see? i’m back to myself again. my eyes have dried and i feel much better and ready to conquer the rest of the week and weeks to come.