0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

three hours ago, i spotted a red cap and my heart flipped. (coincidentally, i was blasting wang lee hom’s xin tiao.) i thought i saw you standing there at the bus stop opposite beauty world, with your head slightly bowed down as you stared at your feet. it couldn’t be, it can’t be. but a part of me wished so hard that it was you.

and that was when i realized i’m in real trouble.

xx

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0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

2039h; New Year’s Eve

Well here I am again on this New Year’s Eve collecting my thoughts of 2017. Sitting at my desk, typing away with the rain pouring outside and sipping on a hot cuppa cocoa, enjoying this lovely last day of the year on my own.

screw it. 

yes, hi everyone. it is indeed new year’s eve and i’m here holed up at home typing away. (this is the most anticlimatic and boring nye eva.) the only thing i can thank for now is the weather for raining and making this day not as happening (but i doubt so). yes yes you guessed it right, i wish i had a party i could go to or just some friends to hang out with – sobs, loner alert – but nope, i’m at home all bathed and ready to snuggle! can’t even cuddle with n. but ok let’s not turn this into a ranting post because it is new year’s eve. let’s end it well, shall we?

so. 2017, what can i say? it’s been an  a m a z i n g  year! i loved every day every hour ever minute every second of it. all i been through all i done; whether it made me happy and carefree as i could have ever been or sad as fuck (or vulgar) – it was truly a year of self-discovery and learning and independence and freedom and EVERYTHING i could dream of having in my life. i found myself to lose myself to somehow find myself again and i found love. a love so torn by distance and uncertainty yet determined to bloom between the cracks. i’m so blessed this year. yes there were struggles and breakdowns and times where i feel so depressed and incompetent that noone could pull me out for days and yes it’s still lingering there in the back of my mind but challenging myself, resisting any urge to give up. doing all i can with what i have- just doing, has got me the opportunities i had — reaching out to prof wong, talking to hongkong’s CI general manager, sending in applications after applications to have gotten MCC (so easily) and then being able to dive, pushing myself to make the best poster i could and then realizing i can actually do it, i can do more than that, going for pole dancing and realizing it was so fun and i absolutely love swinging, applying for a winter-2018 internship and getting it and now i’m actually in charge of designing and managing their account. and to have new friends coming and definitely sticking on in my life and having old ones still hanging and supporting me especially during that medical scare. god, i’m so blessed. so so blessed. and i guess sitting here now in front of my computer typing away isn’t so bad after all.

i love 2017; i love you so much i wish i could restart this entire year and do everything again and again and again.

also, possibly because i know 2018 is going to be a bloody difficult year … haha

but of course, we can’t have it that way. it wouldn’t be fair. i got my 2017 because i worked for every bit of it. i sent in 4 applications because i desperately wanted to go on exchange, i got my courage to talk to prof to interact with him (something i have never done in my entire life) and i got that interview with her, i sent so many applications to have 1 reply to me saying ‘yes’ although a little too late and another saying ‘yes’ almost immediately. after 4 years, i got my advanced diving licence. i went on a trip immediately after coming back. i was going everywhere with the money i was blessed to have and now i’m working hard for to make 2018 just as fantastic as 2017.

to be unafraid. to be courageous. to be bold. to be patient. to be persistent. to be diligent. to be accountable. to be aware. to be loved and to love. to taste, to touch, to smell, to see, to listen.

everything.

i love you, 2017 and as much as i hate to say goodbye to you – because i’m utterly scared and helpless at the expectations and the pressures and basically, what’s  o u t  there waiting for me after graduation, i will say goodbye to you. but it won’t be the end because i won’t let it end. making 2018 as fabulous as the year i’ve had will be my goal. giving my all. in everything.

thank you 2017, you were such a great run. (‘:

so, tonight; i’m at home, all done with this entry and ready to snuggle up on the sofa, watching movies with mum.

have a great night despite the rainy weather everyone. tonight may not have fireworks but at least remember the year you’ve been through. whether it’s good or bad, it definitely taught you something.

and now, i’ll sign off and with a hand on my aching back and yoko feeling my nose, i’m gonna leave 2017 behind and welcome 2018 with severe lower back pain that won’t go away after 3 weeks. #2018 #aging #23on23 #hurrah #laoliao #ded

 

 

xx

 

p/s: oh ya this year i got more natural. like, my brows and my skincare everything, more fuss free. nice.

2039h; New Year’s Eve

2158h; i’m just, disappointed.

you knew, i was going to stay with you from when my work ends till when your work ends. that we’d be together for a couple hours. you know, i wanted to go out of my way to get you an acai bowl. so that i can see your face light up when you see me holding it out for you and you’ll be like, ‘OMGGGG’. then we’ll eat it together, watch youtube videos and chit chat the night away.

but no. that can’t happen because, you invited other people. maybe you didn’t invite them and they decide to come of their own accord. we both know we haven’t met up in ages, we both know who’s always the one wanting to appear on my instagram. then, what’s this?

when you asked me to come down for you, i dropped all tentative plans and put you first. including the projects, assignments and revision due the following week. i asked you, ‘was i the only one you asked?’ you said, ‘yeah’; last night you told me two others may come too. was i the only one who felt that this was just gonna be us? did you really need these other people to come down if you’ve been meeting them way more than you’ve been meeting me? did you actually want to see me? is my quality time with you not good enough for you that you have to have other people’s time as well?

and then you complained to me just the other day on how we’re not meeting, we’re ill-fated … sigh. i’m just disappointed, i guess?

this friday night wasn’t a promise but there was a certainty to it.

a certainty that only i thought was important enough that it would hold but you thought otherwise.

 

xx

2158h; i’m just, disappointed.

2139h; hãppÿ õñ

F M Lthird day here and,
MY ENTIRE NAIL CAME OFF. 
And my very, very fierce thought was wow. For christ’s sake! I was mesmerized by the sight of blood overflowing my toenail, what’s left over it. Damn it. 
And then, my thoughts became more decent. Shit I should’ve worn a shoe. I won’t be able to go into the sea! What the… my toe has no nail which means i can’t paint my toenails until my toes FULLY RECOVER. Fml, why is it that these kind of things happen to me?? Something always gets messed/screwed up 🤦🏻‍♀️what a klutz. what a L O S E R . It has only been THREE days on the island and, TMR I’m going back to mainland. 
My life. Always. Has. To. Be. Messed. Up. And. Dumb.
SERIOUSLY! Why don’t I just have my life smooth sailing! Have I been cursed to born under an ungrateful ancestor?
And, when will I dive? how long does it take to recover? It’s gonna be so shit, showering and changing with this injury. I can’t play the victim. Be strong. -breathe- It’s not painful yet right? But yep, walking with a limb. Can’t even touch water for at least 2 weeks. Fuck. 
Evans was the first to ask What’s up when Emma went down to Amick. And. The first other person who came with first aid to check on it. 
But then, It could have been a lot worse. I thank God that I forced myself to shave my legs last night, the joint Amick gave me to soothe the pain, my friend (Emma) and the kid (Fern). I don’t blame her for this… here’s how my day went.
Oh yeah! I can kind of breathe properly now, no more cold.
And i spent my afternoon on the hammock, reading the dive book and swaying in the breeze. 
Around 1600h, i finished reading the book and was so happy to tell Amick about it. I was just chilling on my hammock, drinking water and looking at the sea view. As I was about to swallow my water, E. came by and asked about my date and me to her. She told me she was gardening and I asked if she needed help but had the nudging at the back of my brain, you know? 
So, I helped pick up stones from the beach, put ’em in the bucket and brought them up. On one of my last rounds, I picked up 2 huge rocks. And when i left the beach, one of it fell out so i rearranged it properly before carrying up the hill again. 
I placed both buckets on the stair and handed E. one of them. While i gave it to her, the rock from the other bucket fell right on it. My body moved back (could’ve saved myself!) and my big toe got hit the hardest. So my nail dangled off a small skin still attached. 
I felt slightly lightheaded since I haven’t had lunch and it was already late evening. So E. passed me a sweet and A. got cold water for me. A few seconds passed and I felt my hands go slightly numb, Evans came by with his own first aid kit. Wow seriously. In that moment, you’re still in my mind. Wow talia, your priorities.
A. was like okay, to kill the pain, i have beer or joint. And I was like, can I try some joint? We smoked a little together and then, he gave me the remaining, telling me to smoke it when it hurts like a bitch, especially the next day. And it’s lying beside me now, on my bed. Haha
Yerp, so that’s how i Tried my first joint AND had my toenail completely detached. It’s throbbing now. 
Many Khmer people came and went. Fern stayed and E. helped me out. Then the day went on as normal but I was a bit too chill and my mouth couldn’t speak properly and I had to drink alot of waterrr. 
I’m just sian that I can’t dive. ): god i pray for a really quick recovery ok!!

2139h; hãppÿ õñ