2048h; home alone

what it feels like to be alone at home for the first time in months? or for the first time since craving my own space since i came back …

empty. weird. it’s too damn quiet around here.

sure ya i really like the peace but 1 person in this house? can it get any lonelier? this house suddenly feels too big for me. it most probably is. i’m literally only switching on marcus’ room light and the light outside. okay i gotta switch off my room light to save electricity. but ya. it’s too big

next time, i wanna live in an open loft. i don’t think i’ll need a legit stove. just something i can boil water on and maybe steam. dont need the fancy schmancy stuff. an island, a bed on the floor. wooden furniture. a fan. a vinyl. a fridge. aircon for those times i really need it. pretty curtains. pretty tableware. one wall of clothes. a work desk, a toilet. yep. simple. that’s all i need.

anyway, family has landed in boracay in the early evening. they said a typhoon will reach Philippines the same time i reach there. so whoop, exciting times. i know im pretty bummed i missed the black storm day in hk cos i went home one day earlier.

okay, now back to work … gotta print my briefing notes, research on stuff. yep. oh and im probably not going for thai makeup classes for one week hahaha ded. had listening thai 1 today … seriously why do they have to choose such similar names manoot and manoop? what the.

work work work,

 

xx.

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2048h; home alone

1938h;

Well i mean, let’s be honest. If you’re gonna be calculative in a relationship, then i’m gonna be too. And it’s toxic. I know. Which is why, i’m probably gonna say bye to you after these 4 years. I mean, we both know it. Or at least i knew it, deep in my gut. Those instances weren’t just you know, mere instances. They were red flags i refuse to see. And while you redeemed yourself most of the times, you brought it back whenever i start to believe this might work out. It’s not. Don’t think it ever will.

1938h;

0141h;

Today i was reminded to be content with what i have now and stop worrying too much about the future. I kept grinding myself down to the bone every other night that I forgot that in this moment, I had it all. Friends who support me, family who loves me, a partner who cares for me, a source of income, a rather enjoyable schedule. Yet, I get so caught up in the future and wishing for things at 1111 and I forget to be thankful for what I currently have.

Most of us will probably feel this way at least once in your life especially if you compare yourself to others. Friends all around know what they want to do and have already applied but I’m still lost. And a good friend reminded me, “it’s okay to not know what you want now”. In a way, I’m scared to lose out if I can’t catch up. I don’t want to be a let down. I don’t want pitiful eyes- eyes that look at you and wonder, what happened to her? Why did she turn out this way?

When will I ever be satisfied if I keep feeling this way? If I keep on chasing tail coats, it’ll be endless.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking (Probably had 1.5-2pints) or my mind being hyperactive as usual right before I sleep.

I’ll leave it at that then. Off topic, I might just cut out drinking from my life unless it’s for savouring.

Night

xx

0141h;

1225h; quarter life crisis

0033h; There are some things we cant change and some things we can. There is a reason for why im here, why i didnt transfer out when i could. God has a way. God has to.

I have been having so many nights i cant sleep- restless, tossing & turning because thoughts of not being able to study and do what i want keeps coming up in my mind. Want it so bad but i dont know how to pursue it. I feel theres nobody i can to turn to. It feels like 4 years ago. And i feel tiny and small and incompetent. Unlike someone who’s about to graduate with honours from one of the top universities in the world.

I have dreams and ambitions but i feel like i have nothing backing me up. No qualifications, no future prospects, rejections. I want to do so much SO MUCH and i don’t want to give up but now it feels like i’m holding sand and empty dreams.

1225h; quarter life crisis