Skip this cos it’s gonna be a little cringe-y.
Been talking to N. for a few hours for the past 3 days straight. The days passed fast and the conversations we had were both bitter and sweet- not bittersweet. We were talking about all sorts of things from the sea festival to marriage and kids (absolute no-no for me) to trivial daily stuff like pimples and scars and makeup and food and clothes and love.I really like how it is now between us and I pray it doesn’t change.
After that really serious conversation, it got me thinking: why must love have a forever? why do people think of forever when you can and you should enjoy what you have now? isn’t now good enough? why are you expecting more? (when the other can’t deliver because s/he too afraid to hope and to promise like s/he did before). S/he is learning from past mistakes.
I think about so many things like work and school and graduation and masters and what the heck do i do after may 2018?! that I didn’t want this to be a priority even though i subconsciously hang it up in my head to remind myself. I don’t want to feed you with so much happiness that when it’s over because of circumstances and NOT not loving enough that I’d see you break. Kept telling you not to wait, move on if someone else better comes along… and when I try to say all that, I’m reminded by how my sister’s relationship ended. I’m the guy, this time round. But aren’t I thinking for both our sake?! Or am I just selfish…? Or am I scared?
I told oa that the person who proposes to me must know the songs I like and have it play in the background when it happens or at the wedding. Little by little, I’m realizing that the songs you know, the ones you’re learning to sing and the ones you like, are almost the same as mine.
Now, I still think we’re running parallel. I still think our worlds won’t meet no matter how much we try to pull them together. I still think, maybe, in another universe, I deserve you.
There were only a few times in my life – probably like 4 times – that I’ve felt so betrayed by my body. And 3 of them are related to being a female.
Last week, I suffered from back-breaking lower back pains. Nothing else, almost unbearable that I didn’t want to do anything for days. But even lying down in bed hurts like a bitch. Lying down, sitting up and I can’t even bring myself to walk. Squatting stretches it out and makes it hurt even more. For a few days, I resorted to yoga to increase flexibility and stretch out my lower back. It didn’t hurt at all for most of the poses and I felt like it wasn’t targeting the right zone anyway. That was until I had to curl up like a ball, with my legs up, feet in the air, tucked in with my head touching my knees. Oh god, I felt it good. It was so relieving. But, good things always come to an end; I couldn’t possibly hold that position forever.
Slowly, day turn to night and then to day, I applied yoko all over my back and my wrists – because for some reason, both my wrists decided to act up at the same time. I was an old woman. That was until Tuesday I think, when the pain weakened. I knew it was coming, I was wondering when it would honestly cos it usually comes 2 days after my moodswings … Well anyway, when it came, oh my god, I felt so exhausted. It’s not like I was bleeding super heavily but I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to move, didn’t want to do anything. Except talk to N. But even I wasn’t in the mood to explain English to him. haha
It’s day 3 and it’s much better now. It’s back to normal. Dull aches but nothing that bothers me. Jeezus, I gotta stop being such a slob and exercise more regularly if I don’t want to encounter this kind of shit again. My body is always screwing with me.
Okay, that’s all. You’ve read through my female woes. 😛
today marks the start & end of my final exam for Year 4 (of my life???), if all goes well i.e. I get all the modules I want during MPE. actually didn’t realize how little exams I was left with when I was in HK (think i had 4 exams there). but here i am, waking up early to prep for my first and last paper for this semester; it’s at 1pm. i just realized all these so it feels very weird to be saying that I might not be taking exams anymore… hm.
hope all goes well!
I don’t want to do anything. I want to huddle up in bed with a computer or a good book and a mug of hot tea and a rainy night that lasts for days.
My head hurts from everything – coughing, lack of proper sleep, sleeping with wet hair, having to contribute so much to the project, working without a proper day off (except for last friday i forgot what it was like to just be alone and having your own time). Damn you obligations, as well.
i wonder what is it that i’m feeling and why do i feel this way. before today, i felt like i could do without you. today, i couldn’t. yeah, we don’t have much to talk about. actually, i think you have alot to say to me, you just don’t know how to say it. and so you usually say it all at once towards the end of the call, in khmer. and then, it reminded me that you care. but is it really the pms that’s making me feel so bold and don’t need anybody – anybody as in nobody. not even my family and friends. lol. i hate being female.
when you’re fucking irritated and angry but you know you can’t blame anyone but yourself cos it’s just not right to blame other people even though technically the presence of the other person messed up your flow and rhythm and made everything screwed up. And then how you also know that one day- okay, not even one day, it’s probably already happening now but like how this person probably talks behind your back like how she does anyone else whether they are her close friends, enemies or previous friends. more than once or twice or thrice did i find out about it and more than these times did it make me question the actual worth of this friendship. wonder if the others thought this way too.