1619h; so, how now?

we’re okay

for now

.

.

.

we’re okay.

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1619h; so, how now?

1031h; feels like a sunday morning even though it’s a monday.

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

May not know

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
Driving slow

There is a flower in your hair.
I’m a flower in your hair.

 

 

xx

1031h; feels like a sunday morning even though it’s a monday.

2007h; selfless love. 

My parents bought me a new laptop today. They keep giving and i keep taking and taking and taking. And the bills keep piling. I want to be able to repay all that before school ends but i don’t know if i can. Sigh. Stop giving me things if it means you’re being robbed of them. 

): 
xx
P/s down with the flu. my head is throbbing, i feel dizzy and my nose wont stop getting congested. Also, i spat out phlegm this morning… ugh. 

2007h; selfless love. 

0004h; today i am happy

If you need money for education, we will pay for it. You want to do masters, PhD, can, go ahead. But only for education. 

The dream to be a geologist/geophysicist has been reignited. Initially, i told her, there’s nothing i want to master in. I thought that if i didn’t have a bachelor based in geosciences, it was lost hope. Apparently not. 

The past 8 months, i looked, i searched and explored other options. I visualised my future but i couldn’t see a clear one. Can i see myself doing this my entire life? I couldn’t. And despite all that forcing of myself into a box, telling people things like, i’m interested in conservation, marketing, writing, travel logging, personal shopper. All of that, i’m interested in and so, i didn’t lie. I just didn’t say the extent of my interest which led me back to the same epitome i had: i was lying to myself. I was thinking of alternatives that i could see myself doing for a timebeing, being full of temporary vigor and only to have it fizzle out in the long run. I don’t think i’ve ever been so excited to do my research on anything. 

4 years ago, i almost flew to australia to take up a bachelor of geoscience. A part of me regretted not doing that. A part of me – till now – still fucking hurts that i wasn’t accepted into NTU’s department of Earth Sciences. Jealous of others who were and it kept eating away at me. (Most of them today aren’t even sure why they’re in that course. They’re just in it because it’s trendy and only the AAAs could enter. I couldn’t and I didn’t understand.) So bit by bit, i convinced myself i wasn’t capable of pursuing this field anymore and deluded mysef into alternate career paths. For instance, when i was on exchange in Hong Kong, i was clearly friggin stoked at the opportunity i could get learning under their pretty established geosciences department (something NUS sorely lacks; i’m clearly not a fan of NUS). But i got shut down. I went for a Petrology module and it was so difficult, my brain couldn’t wrap around it. Then i dropped to a beginner level Petrology module. Again, it was too complex. I left the lecture halfway. I was discouraged and decided to “make the switch”. It was a cowardly move. It’s the same theory as a rebound. The next up on my list which was far from my first was conservation. Well, it still had to do with nature right? None of you know this, cos i hid it well. While i enjoyed the class, i despised it. It was a bizarre tangle of emotions i couldn’t place a finger on. Why was i feeling like i’m pulled in two directions? I don’t know. So, i ignored it and i moved onto my interview with CI general secretary of Hong Kong branch and my internship with Marine Conservation Cambodia. I sent out internship applications the whole time i was in HK and had interviews over there – tell me, who does these kinds of serious shit during their exchange?? I was turned down by all except for the one i’m fully funding for – yes, without stipend. I also sent in my CV to marine conservation groups in Singapore today – for a different reason i’ll go into detail much later. I sent my CV to a luxury travel startup agency and was accepted as an intern for the winter break but later turned down due to their busy period. 

Each time, my ego broke. I felt more useless and more disheartened. I felt like i couldn’t find a place in this world. I thought of dying young and what it would be to leave the world knowing that you contributed a little and you tried but nothing ever worked in your favour. I thought of positive quotes to keep my spirits up like, how the longer road doesn’t mean you’re backtracking, you just needed more time to figure it out. You’re made for a journey of a lifetime, one with tests after tests which break you down the hardest mentally. Your fortitude will keep you going. I kept reminding myself that, like mantras. I got to a point so low recently that these mantras didn’t work as well anymore. (Maybe because i’m also PMS-ing)  i was just scouring and grabbing at anything that can alleviate my situation for a little bit. Like, i signed up for the MINDEF recruitment session and I even went for a recruitment session at Suntec and had a talk with Prudential and the possibility of considering a career as a financial consultant. But, i know i couldn’t do that to myself. I couldn’t. I couldn’t relegate myself to that. I wouldn’t be able to face my peers, my family, myself. 

So i waited. I busied myself. I spent too much. And somehow, i guess my mom kinda knew and a sudden ray of hope shone through. It took me a day and a half to realize the meaning of what she said. As soon as I did, the fog in front of my eyes dississpated and i was happy and at ease. This lightheartedness that i’m feeling, i know it’ll last. 

Then again, you all know me. I’m the kind of person who feels alot of things at a particular time when it’s affecting me but give me a day and i’ll move on. I don’t know whether it’s like this this time, but, one thing’s for sure, i’ve wanted this since pre-University; i merely got lost on my way here, trying to make myself fit into the mold of straightforward tertiary education pathway. 

xx

0004h; today i am happy

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.

here’s on thing you probably don’t know about me.

i love golf. i’ve learnt and played it for almost half my life (10 years). from the age of seven, i’d spend a few evenings weekly with my family at the range. we stayed from an hour or maybe until the range closes. i was too young to know better, i despised the way people viewed golf as an old-timer’s sport as it made me embarrassed to learn. but, it brought me great joy and satisfaction. for some reason, it made me feel alive. it made me annoyed and frustrated when i kept ‘topping’ the ball or when i dug a whole in the green and have to patch it up. it made me happy and surprised whenever i pitched my ball right into/near the hole and whenever i got my ball out of the bunker. it made me anxious whenever i see my ball travel towards the ponds. it made me feel so good when the club hits the ball just right. it made me feel better seeing my ball travel from 30m to 50m to 100m, to 250m and on those rare occasions, 310m as i grew up. and with prize money to win, a competition between my siblings and i was created. we had to try to score the best out of the 3 sets of 10 balls with everybody using the same club. the prize money was worth $50. it was good money that eventually my brother and i took turns to win and tied most of the times.

days of carrying a basket – some times, two – of 100 balls up the stairs to my booth and nights of complaints are long gone. each session turned into a chore as our heavy gold bags weighed on our shoulders, each session felt longer than ever, each session made me complacent. eventually, we drifted from the sport. days turn to weeks to months and to years; what was once within my grasp now unbearably distant.

i miss the time the entire family spent at the range. i miss going for 9/18 holes with them. i miss feeling the swing. time and again, when there’s not a single soul around, i’d find an empty spot to practice my swing and i’ll think to myself, hey, look who still got it?

i blamed my dad for teaching me a sport only the middle class can enjoy. i blamed him for it because i couldn’t just talk about it with anybody from school. i blamed him for making me fall in love with it, unpredictably and subtly.

and i blame myself for giving up on it when it clearly held such strong memories for me.

i took it for granted then and i won’t make the same mistake again. picking up this pasttime without a country club any longer will be harder but definitely cheaper and more sustainable. only it can bring me nostalgia, comfort and accomplishment.

till then, here’s one new thing you discovered about me.

 

xx

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.