1914h; if it’s that easy.

Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that’s all it takes
Heart’s getting torn from your mistakes
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Just say you love me, just for today
And don’t give me time ’cause that’s not the same
Want to feel burning flames when you say my name
Want to feel passion flow into my bones
Like blood through my veins
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Won’t you stay?!
Won’t you stay?!
Slowly, slowly you run for me,
But do you know me at all
Some one told me love controls everything
But only if you know!
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
(No no no no)
If you don’t wanna try,
‘Cause all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
(You’re mine)
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Won’t you stay
Won’t you stay
and love’s floating away.
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1914h; if it’s that easy.

2344h; i see u.

If you ask me, “what goals do you have in life?”

My obvious answer would be pragmatic. Since i studied Geography, it would make sense to go into the environment industry. I’m not saying i have no interests for it, but it would just be, practical and logical.

But an intimate answer would be less so. I would like a job that satisfies me. Pays for my bills, funds my travels; something that i like. It might seem aimless and goalless for many. Because telling someone “searching for anything that interests me/i like to pursue” definitely isn’t gonna make the cut since it’s not specific enough. They will be like, “but what do you reaaallly want” And i guess if they aren’t satisfied with my answer, they’ll label me “she don’t know what she wants to achieve“. Of course i want an end to this gun era, freedom to love & express, a shift towards bringing climate change to a minimum, protecting our oceans etc. What i want runs deeper than normal desires. My priorities are definitely different. At this point, i just want something that i can be satisfied with and enough for me to make a change in the world and for myself.

So, what job am i applying for? Anything and everything that catches my eye.

xx

2344h; i see u.

0006h; i wonder if

I wonder if you know

You’re the one running through my mind

Late at night when i can’t sleep.

I wonder if you know

Hearing your name is a delight to my ears

Every single time someone says it.

I wonder if you know

The way your eyes sparkle when we talk

Makes me fall in love with you all over

Again.

But I wonder if you know

The things i’d go through for you

I wonder if you know

You’re walking on a tight rope

Because I wonder if you know

That what you say next might tear us apart

And I wonder if i know

What i’m getting myself into.

0006h; i wonder if

1938h;

Well i mean, let’s be honest. If you’re gonna be calculative in a relationship, then i’m gonna be too. And it’s toxic. I know. Which is why, i’m probably gonna say bye to you after these 4 years. I mean, we both know it. Or at least i knew it, deep in my gut. Those instances weren’t just you know, mere instances. They were red flags i refuse to see. And while you redeemed yourself most of the times, you brought it back whenever i start to believe this might work out. It’s not. Don’t think it ever will.

1938h;

0141h;

Today i was reminded to be content with what i have now and stop worrying too much about the future. I kept grinding myself down to the bone every other night that I forgot that in this moment, I had it all. Friends who support me, family who loves me, a partner who cares for me, a source of income, a rather enjoyable schedule. Yet, I get so caught up in the future and wishing for things at 1111 and I forget to be thankful for what I currently have.

Most of us will probably feel this way at least once in your life especially if you compare yourself to others. Friends all around know what they want to do and have already applied but I’m still lost. And a good friend reminded me, “it’s okay to not know what you want now”. In a way, I’m scared to lose out if I can’t catch up. I don’t want to be a let down. I don’t want pitiful eyes- eyes that look at you and wonder, what happened to her? Why did she turn out this way?

When will I ever be satisfied if I keep feeling this way? If I keep on chasing tail coats, it’ll be endless.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking (Probably had 1.5-2pints) or my mind being hyperactive as usual right before I sleep.

I’ll leave it at that then. Off topic, I might just cut out drinking from my life unless it’s for savouring.

Night

xx

0141h;

1225h; quarter life crisis

0033h; There are some things we cant change and some things we can. There is a reason for why im here, why i didnt transfer out when i could. God has a way. God has to.

I have been having so many nights i cant sleep- restless, tossing & turning because thoughts of not being able to study and do what i want keeps coming up in my mind. Want it so bad but i dont know how to pursue it. I feel theres nobody i can to turn to. It feels like 4 years ago. And i feel tiny and small and incompetent. Unlike someone who’s about to graduate with honours from one of the top universities in the world.

I have dreams and ambitions but i feel like i have nothing backing me up. No qualifications, no future prospects, rejections. I want to do so much SO MUCH and i don’t want to give up but now it feels like i’m holding sand and empty dreams.

1225h; quarter life crisis