0758h; up before anyone else.

it’s tough.

a nail shouldn’t be bugging me this much.

but it’s tough,

knowing that i’m practically

trapped by my own body. 

and that, 

i’m useless 

on this island.

what i want is assurance 

but now, all i get is, 

words of sympathy and how-are-yous

you’re so brave! i wouldn’t do it by myself.
is there a reason for these unfortunate events to happen? 

0758h; up before anyone else.

1058h; breaking down walls

last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it.  i  just  gotta  go .  find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.

 

xx

 

 

1058h; breaking down walls

almost all packed & good to go

it is day 130 of 132 days here. in 30 minutes, it’ll be 131 of 132. 

my revision for my last paper on CSR & Envt Auditing is done and my luggage are 70% packed. my time in hong kong is ending and i feel just a little empty.

for the initial few months, i lived like i was on holiday – just the neccessities, some still unpacked. when march approached, i made this place my home – took ownership, cleaned my room and washed my sheets every week, hung up the miscellaneous, took time out to moisturize and to treat myself, kept rubber bands and plastic bags, visited the gym often enough. now lying against the wall in the corner of my bed with my pillow propping me up, i see my entire room before me and how it was like when i first came in. behind me is the view of jockey village 2 and i remember my first thought, wow, this view is gorgeous, i get to see the sea and the hills behind the buildings and university life before me. sentimental, just a little bit. to think that i would come to call this place my own even if it was just for a few months.

{today, i navigated around sheung wan with shannon and when she said that we had to get to queens central road. automatically, my feet led me to where it was because of the many times i’ve been there.}

it won’t be hard to say goodbye but i’ll definitely miss this little space i have where nobody (except for shan and the occasional luyao) to bug me. i remember the first few weeks being so jam-packed with socializing and how i didn’t have time for myself. i remember my bed being so cold and my blanket wasn’t enough to keep me warm despite wearing double layers of clothes as pajamas. every night, i had to use the hairdryer to warm up my bed before i could fall comfortably asleep only to wake up freezing. and in the last few weeks till now, my legs are exposed and my blanket is kicked aside every morning. at night, the air is cool and my bed invites me. and, i was mostly a homebody. this space gave me independence and freedom. having a roomie like emily who comes and goes lets me have a taste of both worlds – having a roomie and living alone. the silence at night is so so so calming, something i’ll never get back in singapore. i’ll miss this. a  w h o l e  l o t .

the everyday little things like walking/brisk walking/running down to school and the mtr – cos late – will be one of the most fond memories. making a detour or making a special trip just to buy polo bao or macs fries will always put a smile to my face. not to mention the first few times xinyi and i climbed up and down the hill with our groceries that either in plastic bags or our recycled bags. the times iris and xinyi and the rest came over to cook/eat at my pantry – and me being the pantry ic. oh and those times i visited my favourite place in hong kong, only to have to see so many people there cos of the instaworthy platform – bruh, i didn’t even get my shot on it. it’s funny, maybe cos during those moments, i lived like i was actually staying here permanently. i could visit whenever i want and not worry that i no longer be able to see/eat it.

getting lost in directions and in conversations were always a constant. gotten better at navigation though. i tried to learn cantonese but every time the new words or phrases just slip by my mind.

so, xiu xiu guang dong hua hai okay.

i’ll miss the lao sha bao, polo bao, beef brisket noodles from that local stall on a hill (it made it to discoverhk i’m so proud but then now people will know the place sigh) … so i’m going to eat them tomorrow after my paper plus, go to mongkok to find a nude cap for my bro.

spent many moments here worried, sad, annoyed and angry but mostly happy. thankful for having found a true friend in the people i met here and will definitely miss them once we part ways. last night, emily and i were just talking about how it’s scary that we won’t be able to see each other anymore after seeing each other for almost 5 months straight. if we ever want to see each other again, it’ll be when we visit each other. and we joked about how for those we aren’t that close to, it’ll be funny when we find out, a few years down the road, that they are some big shot manager.

this exchange has been such a pleasant and satisfying experience.

ahh, hong kong, i’ll miss you.

 

as i sign off and head to bed – my paper is at 0930h – i just want to say,

thank you for showing me & gifting me with one of the best presents i could ever ask for.

 

nighty night.

xx

 

2349h

 

prolly heading to lkf tomorrow night, study hard play hard hor. oh and, prolly meeting this cutie i saw at the gym and shan happened to play bball with tomorrow – like an incidental ‘oh, hey’ (;

almost all packed & good to go

my strengths & weakness, according to S.

strengths

(i) guarded, do not wear heart on the sleeve. slow to warm up to.

(ii) individualistic, this world has too many people following trends. “so you’re different, which is a good thing”

i actually think i know myself eh, maybe i contemplate too much; sucked in my world too much that i don’t know about the outside aka narcissistic?

weakness 

(i) not sure, maybe indifference and self-aware?

(ii) she doesn’t know “we’re still in the exciting process of getting to know each other” lel.

 

ok bye.

 

my strengths & weakness, according to S.

0211h

the last 3 hours was spent in my room, talking to my roomie. who’s finally here liek with me for at least at hour. and what started out as small chit chat and me taking a break whle writing and essay turned to be something a lil more magical. we talked alotttt and showed each other both our stories. this is so long overdue. omg, my roomie. why you gotta go down every night? we could have been so much closerrr.

0211h

/__ my weekends here

i lost track of the days again. the past 3 weeks was spent in hall. I desperately wanted to go out but i know i got to get my shit down before i do so. when i really needed a breather tho, i went to these three places.

this place was mad crowded. silly me forgot it was a Saturday. i have been wanting to come down to see the sunset and just sit there and think about life which i did… till dark. and it was scary getting out because you know me – my wild imagination and my phobia for dark places.

the following saturday i think, haha the morning was really funny. i entered the zion cafe at sai ying pun only to leave by acting out a scene where my friend calls and tells me it’s the wrong cafe after i sat down for like, 10 minutes? it was a success and i made it to sheung wan’s the cupping room. expensive but delicious. i really wanted to just do my meeting and then head back after getting my brows done but i ended up walking around sheungwan. exploring sheung wan and getting myself a new camera. i am so happy i stayed. and the best thing? the camera friggin works and it has a “made in hong kong” label on it.

and a couple of days ago (make that 3) i went to yuen long. it’s a place that nobody knows about and nt all locals have even been there. I guess you can say it’s like joo koon. haha

okay, it’s 11:47pm. i think i should at least write an intro of my burden soci essay. why did i even take this mod ugh. but i’ve been watching this vlogger who uprooted at the tender age of 21 and moved to japan. can i do that too?

xx

/__ my weekends here