0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

three hours ago, i spotted a red cap and my heart flipped. (coincidentally, i was blasting wang lee hom’s xin tiao.) i thought i saw you standing there at the bus stop opposite beauty world, with your head slightly bowed down as you stared at your feet. it couldn’t be, it can’t be. but a part of me wished so hard that it was you.

and that was when i realized i’m in real trouble.

xx

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0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

1141h; “Ask me again in 5 years.”

Skip this cos it’s gonna be a little cringe-y. 

Been talking to N. for a few hours for the past 3 days straight. The days passed fast and the conversations we had were both bitter and sweet- not bittersweet. We were talking about all sorts of things from the sea festival to marriage and kids (absolute no-no for me) to trivial daily stuff like pimples and scars and makeup and food and clothes and love.I really like how it is now between us and I pray it doesn’t change.

After that really serious conversation, it got me thinking: why must love have a forever? why do people think of forever when you can and you should enjoy what you have now? isn’t now good enough? why are you expecting more? (when the other can’t deliver because s/he too afraid to hope and to promise like s/he did before). S/he is learning from past mistakes.

I think about so many things like work and school and graduation and masters and what the heck do i do after may 2018?! that I didn’t want this to be a priority even though i subconsciously hang it up in my head to remind myself. I don’t want to feed you with so much happiness that when it’s over because of circumstances and NOT not loving enough that I’d see you break. Kept telling you not to wait, move on if someone else better comes along… and when I try to say all that, I’m reminded by how my sister’s relationship ended. I’m the guy, this time round. But aren’t I thinking for both our sake?! Or am I just selfish…? Or am I scared?

I told oa that the person who proposes to me must know the songs I like and have it play in the background when it happens or at the wedding. Little by little, I’m realizing that the songs you know, the ones you’re learning to sing and the ones you like, are almost the same as mine.

Now, I still think we’re running parallel. I still think our worlds won’t meet no matter how much we try to pull them together. I still think, maybe, in another universe, I deserve you. 

xx

1141h; “Ask me again in 5 years.”

2330h; the plight of being female.

There were only a few times in my life – probably like 4 times – that I’ve felt so betrayed by my body. And 3 of them are related to being a female.

Last week, I suffered from back-breaking lower back pains. Nothing else, almost unbearable that I didn’t want to do anything for days. But even lying down in bed hurts like a bitch. Lying down, sitting up and I can’t even bring myself to walk. Squatting stretches it out and makes it hurt even more. For a few days, I resorted to yoga to increase flexibility and stretch out my lower back. It didn’t hurt at all for most of the poses and I felt like it wasn’t targeting the right zone anyway. That was until I had to curl up like a ball, with my legs up, feet in the air, tucked in with my head touching my knees. Oh god, I felt it good. It was so relieving. But, good things always come to an end; I couldn’t possibly hold that position forever.

Slowly, day turn to night and then to day, I applied yoko all over my back and my wrists – because for some reason, both my wrists decided to act up at the same time. I was an old woman. That was until Tuesday I think, when the pain weakened. I knew it was coming, I was wondering when it would honestly cos it usually comes 2 days after my moodswings … Well anyway, when it came, oh my god, I felt so exhausted. It’s not like I was bleeding super heavily but I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to move, didn’t want to do anything. Except talk to N. But even I wasn’t in the mood to explain English to him. haha

It’s day 3 and it’s much better now. It’s back to normal. Dull aches but nothing that bothers me. Jeezus, I gotta stop being such a slob and exercise more regularly if I don’t want to encounter this kind of shit again. My body is always screwing with me.

Okay, that’s all. You’ve read through my female woes. 😛

 

xx

2330h; the plight of being female.

0851h; happy december!

today marks the start & end of my final exam for Year 4 (of my life???), if all goes well i.e. I get all the modules I want during MPE. actually didn’t realize how little exams I was left with when I was in HK (think i had 4 exams there). but here i am, waking up early to prep for my first and last paper for this semester; it’s at 1pm. i just realized all these so it feels very weird to be saying that I might not be taking exams anymore… hm.

hope all goes well!

 

xx

0851h; happy december!

2158h; i’m just, disappointed.

you knew, i was going to stay with you from when my work ends till when your work ends. that we’d be together for a couple hours. you know, i wanted to go out of my way to get you an acai bowl. so that i can see your face light up when you see me holding it out for you and you’ll be like, ‘OMGGGG’. then we’ll eat it together, watch youtube videos and chit chat the night away.

but no. that can’t happen because, you invited other people. maybe you didn’t invite them and they decide to come of their own accord. we both know we haven’t met up in ages, we both know who’s always the one wanting to appear on my instagram. then, what’s this?

when you asked me to come down for you, i dropped all tentative plans and put you first. including the projects, assignments and revision due the following week. i asked you, ‘was i the only one you asked?’ you said, ‘yeah’; last night you told me two others may come too. was i the only one who felt that this was just gonna be us? did you really need these other people to come down if you’ve been meeting them way more than you’ve been meeting me? did you actually want to see me? is my quality time with you not good enough for you that you have to have other people’s time as well?

and then you complained to me just the other day on how we’re not meeting, we’re ill-fated … sigh. i’m just disappointed, i guess?

this friday night wasn’t a promise but there was a certainty to it.

a certainty that only i thought was important enough that it would hold but you thought otherwise.

 

xx

2158h; i’m just, disappointed.

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.

here’s on thing you probably don’t know about me.

i love golf. i’ve learnt and played it for almost half my life (10 years). from the age of seven, i’d spend a few evenings weekly with my family at the range. we stayed from an hour or maybe until the range closes. i was too young to know better, i despised the way people viewed golf as an old-timer’s sport as it made me embarrassed to learn. but, it brought me great joy and satisfaction. for some reason, it made me feel alive. it made me annoyed and frustrated when i kept ‘topping’ the ball or when i dug a whole in the green and have to patch it up. it made me happy and surprised whenever i pitched my ball right into/near the hole and whenever i got my ball out of the bunker. it made me anxious whenever i see my ball travel towards the ponds. it made me feel so good when the club hits the ball just right. it made me feel better seeing my ball travel from 30m to 50m to 100m, to 250m and on those rare occasions, 310m as i grew up. and with prize money to win, a competition between my siblings and i was created. we had to try to score the best out of the 3 sets of 10 balls with everybody using the same club. the prize money was worth $50. it was good money that eventually my brother and i took turns to win and tied most of the times.

days of carrying a basket – some times, two – of 100 balls up the stairs to my booth and nights of complaints are long gone. each session turned into a chore as our heavy gold bags weighed on our shoulders, each session felt longer than ever, each session made me complacent. eventually, we drifted from the sport. days turn to weeks to months and to years; what was once within my grasp now unbearably distant.

i miss the time the entire family spent at the range. i miss going for 9/18 holes with them. i miss feeling the swing. time and again, when there’s not a single soul around, i’d find an empty spot to practice my swing and i’ll think to myself, hey, look who still got it?

i blamed my dad for teaching me a sport only the middle class can enjoy. i blamed him for it because i couldn’t just talk about it with anybody from school. i blamed him for making me fall in love with it, unpredictably and subtly.

and i blame myself for giving up on it when it clearly held such strong memories for me.

i took it for granted then and i won’t make the same mistake again. picking up this pasttime without a country club any longer will be harder but definitely cheaper and more sustainable. only it can bring me nostalgia, comfort and accomplishment.

till then, here’s one new thing you discovered about me.

 

xx

2210h; a tribute to my childhood.