1058h; breaking down walls

last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it.  i  just  gotta  go .  find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.

 

xx

 

 

1058h; breaking down walls

1733h; A lovely bus ride.

Dear diary, 

I boarded the bus 67 today and had a really good and hearty conversation with a 70 year old indian uncle and a german lady who alighted early.

It all started with the german lady offering one of her new towels to the uncle cos he was shaking. She thought it was because of the air conditioner. Not going to lie, i don’t understand why buses in Singapore blast the air con on rainy days and turn it down when its scorching hot. He insisted it was okay and told us it’s cos he had Parkinson’s. 

Minutes into the conversation, we found out the uncle was going to India to pay his respects to his dad. And, the lady was rushing off to a tinder date, i hope she has fun today, make her friday worthwhile. She even went to decathlon to buy yoga mats and equipments just for the date. The uncle alighted at Mustafa cos he was going there to collect his air tickets to Kashmir. He lives alone in a flat and rented the two rooms to a Japanese and an Australian girl. They get along fine and they’ll miss him a whole lot when he goes to India for 2 weeks. 

He worked at a shipyard before. He was in charge of cleaning oil tankers and was earning $400 a day. Uncle, you rich! He’s 70 years old now but he’s still working as a cleaner at Bedok mall so that he keeps moving and his mind active even to his old age. Admirable. 

He gave me some advice on that too – fitness, health, not surrendering to old age just cos. 

A lovely bus ride back home. 

1733h; A lovely bus ride.

almost all packed & good to go

it is day 130 of 132 days here. in 30 minutes, it’ll be 131 of 132. 

my revision for my last paper on CSR & Envt Auditing is done and my luggage are 70% packed. my time in hong kong is ending and i feel just a little empty.

for the initial few months, i lived like i was on holiday – just the neccessities, some still unpacked. when march approached, i made this place my home – took ownership, cleaned my room and washed my sheets every week, hung up the miscellaneous, took time out to moisturize and to treat myself, kept rubber bands and plastic bags, visited the gym often enough. now lying against the wall in the corner of my bed with my pillow propping me up, i see my entire room before me and how it was like when i first came in. behind me is the view of jockey village 2 and i remember my first thought, wow, this view is gorgeous, i get to see the sea and the hills behind the buildings and university life before me. sentimental, just a little bit. to think that i would come to call this place my own even if it was just for a few months.

{today, i navigated around sheung wan with shannon and when she said that we had to get to queens central road. automatically, my feet led me to where it was because of the many times i’ve been there.}

it won’t be hard to say goodbye but i’ll definitely miss this little space i have where nobody (except for shan and the occasional luyao) to bug me. i remember the first few weeks being so jam-packed with socializing and how i didn’t have time for myself. i remember my bed being so cold and my blanket wasn’t enough to keep me warm despite wearing double layers of clothes as pajamas. every night, i had to use the hairdryer to warm up my bed before i could fall comfortably asleep only to wake up freezing. and in the last few weeks till now, my legs are exposed and my blanket is kicked aside every morning. at night, the air is cool and my bed invites me. and, i was mostly a homebody. this space gave me independence and freedom. having a roomie like emily who comes and goes lets me have a taste of both worlds – having a roomie and living alone. the silence at night is so so so calming, something i’ll never get back in singapore. i’ll miss this. a  w h o l e  l o t .

the everyday little things like walking/brisk walking/running down to school and the mtr – cos late – will be one of the most fond memories. making a detour or making a special trip just to buy polo bao or macs fries will always put a smile to my face. not to mention the first few times xinyi and i climbed up and down the hill with our groceries that either in plastic bags or our recycled bags. the times iris and xinyi and the rest came over to cook/eat at my pantry – and me being the pantry ic. oh and those times i visited my favourite place in hong kong, only to have to see so many people there cos of the instaworthy platform – bruh, i didn’t even get my shot on it. it’s funny, maybe cos during those moments, i lived like i was actually staying here permanently. i could visit whenever i want and not worry that i no longer be able to see/eat it.

getting lost in directions and in conversations were always a constant. gotten better at navigation though. i tried to learn cantonese but every time the new words or phrases just slip by my mind.

so, xiu xiu guang dong hua hai okay.

i’ll miss the lao sha bao, polo bao, beef brisket noodles from that local stall on a hill (it made it to discoverhk i’m so proud but then now people will know the place sigh) … so i’m going to eat them tomorrow after my paper plus, go to mongkok to find a nude cap for my bro.

spent many moments here worried, sad, annoyed and angry but mostly happy. thankful for having found a true friend in the people i met here and will definitely miss them once we part ways. last night, emily and i were just talking about how it’s scary that we won’t be able to see each other anymore after seeing each other for almost 5 months straight. if we ever want to see each other again, it’ll be when we visit each other. and we joked about how for those we aren’t that close to, it’ll be funny when we find out, a few years down the road, that they are some big shot manager.

this exchange has been such a pleasant and satisfying experience.

ahh, hong kong, i’ll miss you.

 

as i sign off and head to bed – my paper is at 0930h – i just want to say,

thank you for showing me & gifting me with one of the best presents i could ever ask for.

 

nighty night.

xx

 

2349h

 

prolly heading to lkf tomorrow night, study hard play hard hor. oh and, prolly meeting this cutie i saw at the gym and shan happened to play bball with tomorrow – like an incidental ‘oh, hey’ (;

almost all packed & good to go

my strengths & weakness, according to S.

strengths

(i) guarded, do not wear heart on the sleeve. slow to warm up to.

(ii) individualistic, this world has too many people following trends. “so you’re different, which is a good thing”

i actually think i know myself eh, maybe i contemplate too much; sucked in my world too much that i don’t know about the outside aka narcissistic?

weakness 

(i) not sure, maybe indifference and self-aware?

(ii) she doesn’t know “we’re still in the exciting process of getting to know each other” lel.

 

ok bye.

 

my strengths & weakness, according to S.