2342h; think about it, there must be higher love.

So you believe we come from apes? Instead of Adam and Eve?

Then why would we be this hairy? Why would scientists say our DNA are almost the same? Why is there the Theory of Evolution?

I don’t know when I started believing in science and evolution and started to fiction-ize the Bible. I’m now 23 and I think it has probably been around or a little more than 10 years since I told myself that I don’t believe in the Bible, that it’s just a sensible, morally right, logical book and while humans couldn’t have evolved from apes, they couldn’t have appeared out of nowhere- but that train of thought abruptly ends with no continuation because what I want to believe and what I have in front of me does not tally and so I avoid the confrontation, the messy untangling to understand better, to know and search for the truth. Maybe it’s because a part of me believes in a higher power/being yet a part of me is so firmly rooted in the present in the fact that this book could not have been passed down, not been altered or remain unbiased. How do we know that it really is the first religion in the world? That He made Adam and Eve? I was so stuck because I didn’t want to blindly follow the Bible. I didn’t want to hear it out and then be told that all other religions are just a copy and/or a remixed version of this religion. And so, for the longest time, I’ve been in this rut, I would say- neither moving forward nor backward.

And then, something started moving within me. I started attending Sunday service with mum. Although it isn’t every Sunday, it’s something I’m starting to look forward to it now? I went with the intention of gaining knowledge because I know that they teach good life lessons plus it’s good to remain open-minded and just listen. I’m still unsure of whether it’s indeed his doing or it was purely coincidental – I know believers will say that he knows everything about you: past, present or future; your thoughts, your intentions, your sins. But, at this point in my life, there is just something or someone I want to reach out to and talk to when I can’t turn to anyone. And I’ve slowly realized that the books I’ve read, the ones that taught me things such as: listen to your parents, be kind in thought, words and actions, your body is a sacred temple treat it well and more are the same things in the Bible. And so, I am now at the point where I ask myself, why are these books the same? Why am I choosing to believe this book but entirely dismissing the other when they’re teaching the same values? Am I really open to hearing out what the other has to say or am I just lying to myself?

So, I am 23 and just like anyone else at 23, I’m figuring out Life, my path and I’m figuring out this higher power/being thing. I’m trying to find a way to come to terms with it, I’m trying to understand and writing this, I’m trying to be accountable. I’m moving forward, I believe, at my own pace. I wasn’t ready to hear anything at 13 or 16, 17, or 19 and I halfheartedly agreed at 20 and 21. 22 was the year of my greatest indulgence and when I started this year, I wanted to seriously treat my body right. Now, it feels like that might take on a deeper meaning as my friend said, “i’m in contemplation stage” and so, as with anything else, we’ll see.

 

xx

 

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2342h; think about it, there must be higher love.

0955h; a breather.

I’m back, back from 4 days of offline presence. It’s quite strange and disarming at the same time. Strange since having internet is a huge part of my life – being millennial and all that – so especially since we’re in the city, it’s been particularly difficult to not have everything at your fingertips. And I realize that I am a very inquisitive person – it’s a good thing right? Haha. It’s also disarming because I feel like I’ve been somewhat ‘forgotten’ and I haven’t been keeping up with ongoings. For instance, didn’t know about the suicide bombings in Surabaya, Indonesia till I watched CNA last evening. By that time, it’s practically old news.

Yet, having no internet and data for the past few days have taught me that such disconnection is good for my overall wellbeing. I feel calmer, more relaxed, energized and refreshed to start a day. There’s something special about having a day all to yourself, being able to do what you set out to do, uncluttered with spam/junk. It’s something I thought I gave myself before but the past few days, with being wholly present with the people around me and being aware of how much I actually space out, lets me truly enjoy these moments even if they may be as dull as cleaning the house or watching Hannibal or having a meal with my brother at the foodcourt beneath the block. With that said, I did reconnect a few times whenever I had WIFI like when I’m at JCube waiting for a movie to start and so forth though I never stayed on too long. Just enough to receive notifications and then switch off. Just enough to check movie timings. Just enough.

Now that I’m at my Grandma’s place and online, the notifications keep coming in even before I read the news. For the first half an hour I was here, I refused to switch my Wifi on and carry on doing what I wanted to do aka watch my Gma make okinawan ginger milk tea, scrub and bluetac the polariods onto the wall for my Gma. Wanted to savour it before being online again. My brother, on the other hand, is already on CNA reading/watching the latest news.

Without further ado, let me embrace the millennial within me.

xx

0955h; a breather.

0931h; the 58th day of 2018.

It’s the 58th day and I realize I haven’t posted a new year resolution post! (I keep it all in my head.) So here it is …

  1. #keepsakefriends
  2. Don’t waste food
  3. Don’t shop for clothes/makeup unless necessary: event (graduation), when my own makeup runs out.
  4. Start prioritizing my health & progression > fitness. Start small, go slow. Don’t introduce toxins to your body.
  5. Get a job. hahhaha

I’ll add more to the list once I remember them.

On another note, February is coming to an end!! (Happy Chinese New Year) Tomorrow is the 28th. My February flies by like no other because…

Happy birthday to me. I am 23. And it was a birthday well spent.

I’m abit bummed wordpress don’t let me post my DSCO videos anymore. 

 

xx

0931h; the 58th day of 2018.

1727h; goodbye boracay.

2 days ago, i tried yellow watermelon for breakfast for the first time. It was really sweet; sweeter than the reds. And i tried the red again and i realized, it doesn’t taste as bad as 5 years ago when i was 18 and had to do a dare with my friend who hated pineapples but had to eat it and me who hated watermelon and had to eat it. I concluded that watermelon or melons in general, are an acquired taste.

Today, while on flight from Boracay to Singapore, i decided to finish my watermelon in my food tray that the airline always serves (you know, with watermelon & peaches). And i finished it; even had my brother’s fruits cos he couldn’t finish.

At the start of last year, i couldn’t stand the taste and texture of soft eggs & raw salmon. Now, i’m eating 3/4 molten eggs and half seared salmon (only in Japan).

So proud of myself for trying (new) things and realizing it isn’t as bad as what my mind conjured up. Guess i’m growing up huh 😂

1727h; goodbye boracay.

0110h; 带走我的心跳💗

three hours ago, i spotted a red cap and my heart flipped. (coincidentally, i was blasting wang lee hom’s xin tiao.) i thought i saw you standing there at the bus stop opposite beauty world, with your head slightly bowed down as you stared at your feet. it couldn’t be, it can’t be. but a part of me wished so hard that it was you.

and that was when i realized i’m in real trouble.

xx

0110h; 带走我的心跳💗