The more i talk about it, the more unreal it seems, the more detached I feel, the more impractical it becomes. Yet, the message vibration notifications i’m receiving reminds me that it is real and if i truly am sincere and honest with my feelings about this, i’d give my best shot.
But, i’m still stuck in between deluding and accepting.
Never truly undertstiod the term sleazy until this night haha
I did my second dive today. It was so fun and there wasn’t as much to be afraid of than the first dive. Somehow, during the first dive I was super scared and anxious. (Of death by drowning, you could say.) There were a couple of hiccups and things I had to get used to like, the cold, the water in mask. Underwent a mask switch underwater too right after I learnt how to empty the water inside my mask. I tried to do the buoyancy properly but I can’t really. I don’t know why my legs keep sinking down. Like, how do I get them afloat?? Amick helped me with that towards the end – he basically, held my legs up as we went over huge corals. But I saw starfish (amazing, good job Talia). Then Amick told me to hold the pillar of barnacles. In my head, i was like, no way i’m not gonna hold onto that shit which scratched me while i snorkeled the other day. No way. So, I basically held on a tiny bit HAHA. Then the boat came and i saw him and Ahmed!! Heh I really like Ahmed (: after the dive, I went swimming with Tessa while Zahra bathed (a lot of people here don’t understand the term ‘bathe’). And here I am now, chilling on a hammock. So sleepy, I wanna sleep. But it’s time for dinner. Ttfn.
you know you’ve been pretty deprived when what you saw 2 weekends ago suddenly looks and feels a whole lot brighter and better. lel. forreals, captain chimp’s is so friggin clean and the road is so easy to walk on (esp since i’m injured). omg can’t wait for a good bed and aircon!!!
i havent touched the sea in forever,
i’m super excited to be reunited
and it’s washing away my fears.
it’s no longee the queasy, scared feeling but more of the i can’t wait for this adventure to begin.
as i fall face down on the master bed. one heavy leg over my bottom half and slightly red eyes brimming with tears in front of me.
so sad you’re leaving again cannot spend time together. it’s okay, when you come back we’ll spend time okay.
it’s much harder to leave this time.
last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it. i just gotta go . find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.