1548h; mental breakdownok

ok i’m having an episode here. whatif i can’t get a job nobody wants me i’m just useless is it expectations why nobody reply me yet someone GOD PLS ANSWER ME in my dreams or whatever show me something lah i’m really just dying right here i just want to learn and grow and do stuff and make money so i can survive be independent be stable so my parents won’t worry and then later on when i’ve gained some experiences go back to studying please lahhh i dont even know where to look alr. help.

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1548h; mental breakdownok

2342h; think about it, there must be higher love.

So you believe we come from apes? Instead of Adam and Eve?

Then why would we be this hairy? Why would scientists say our DNA are almost the same? Why is there the Theory of Evolution?

I don’t know when I started believing in science and evolution and started to fiction-ize the Bible. I’m now 23 and I think it has probably been around or a little more than 10 years since I told myself that I don’t believe in the Bible, that it’s just a sensible, morally right, logical book and while humans couldn’t have evolved from apes, they couldn’t have appeared out of nowhere- but that train of thought abruptly ends with no continuation because what I want to believe and what I have in front of me does not tally and so I avoid the confrontation, the messy untangling to understand better, to know and search for the truth. Maybe it’s because a part of me believes in a higher power/being yet a part of me is so firmly rooted in the present in the fact that this book could not have been passed down, not been altered or remain unbiased. How do we know that it really is the first religion in the world? That He made Adam and Eve? I was so stuck because I didn’t want to blindly follow the Bible. I didn’t want to hear it out and then be told that all other religions are just a copy and/or a remixed version of this religion. And so, for the longest time, I’ve been in this rut, I would say- neither moving forward nor backward.

And then, something started moving within me. I started attending Sunday service with mum. Although it isn’t every Sunday, it’s something I’m starting to look forward to it now? I went with the intention of gaining knowledge because I know that they teach good life lessons plus it’s good to remain open-minded and just listen. I’m still unsure of whether it’s indeed his doing or it was purely coincidental – I know believers will say that he knows everything about you: past, present or future; your thoughts, your intentions, your sins. But, at this point in my life, there is just something or someone I want to reach out to and talk to when I can’t turn to anyone. And I’ve slowly realized that the books I’ve read, the ones that taught me things such as: listen to your parents, be kind in thought, words and actions, your body is a sacred temple treat it well and more are the same things in the Bible. And so, I am now at the point where I ask myself, why are these books the same? Why am I choosing to believe this book but entirely dismissing the other when they’re teaching the same values? Am I really open to hearing out what the other has to say or am I just lying to myself?

So, I am 23 and just like anyone else at 23, I’m figuring out Life, my path and I’m figuring out this higher power/being thing. I’m trying to find a way to come to terms with it, I’m trying to understand and writing this, I’m trying to be accountable. I’m moving forward, I believe, at my own pace. I wasn’t ready to hear anything at 13 or 16, 17, or 19 and I halfheartedly agreed at 20 and 21. 22 was the year of my greatest indulgence and when I started this year, I wanted to seriously treat my body right. Now, it feels like that might take on a deeper meaning as my friend said, “i’m in contemplation stage” and so, as with anything else, we’ll see.

 

xx

 

2342h; think about it, there must be higher love.

0955h; a breather.

I’m back, back from 4 days of offline presence. It’s quite strange and disarming at the same time. Strange since having internet is a huge part of my life – being millennial and all that – so especially since we’re in the city, it’s been particularly difficult to not have everything at your fingertips. And I realize that I am a very inquisitive person – it’s a good thing right? Haha. It’s also disarming because I feel like I’ve been somewhat ‘forgotten’ and I haven’t been keeping up with ongoings. For instance, didn’t know about the suicide bombings in Surabaya, Indonesia till I watched CNA last evening. By that time, it’s practically old news.

Yet, having no internet and data for the past few days have taught me that such disconnection is good for my overall wellbeing. I feel calmer, more relaxed, energized and refreshed to start a day. There’s something special about having a day all to yourself, being able to do what you set out to do, uncluttered with spam/junk. It’s something I thought I gave myself before but the past few days, with being wholly present with the people around me and being aware of how much I actually space out, lets me truly enjoy these moments even if they may be as dull as cleaning the house or watching Hannibal or having a meal with my brother at the foodcourt beneath the block. With that said, I did reconnect a few times whenever I had WIFI like when I’m at JCube waiting for a movie to start and so forth though I never stayed on too long. Just enough to receive notifications and then switch off. Just enough to check movie timings. Just enough.

Now that I’m at my Grandma’s place and online, the notifications keep coming in even before I read the news. For the first half an hour I was here, I refused to switch my Wifi on and carry on doing what I wanted to do aka watch my Gma make okinawan ginger milk tea, scrub and bluetac the polariods onto the wall for my Gma. Wanted to savour it before being online again. My brother, on the other hand, is already on CNA reading/watching the latest news.

Without further ado, let me embrace the millennial within me.

xx

0955h; a breather.

0124h; the new place.

Got the keys to our rental (for the next year) a few hours ago which means we’ll be shifting some stuff over. Currently, the living room is packed with boxes and the curtains and some decor has been stripped, leaving behind an emptier shell. I’ll miss this place but then again, a part of me is happy to be moving… even tho I vehemently, outwardly oppose this. Maybe it’s from the habit moving houses so many times that this feels like a much anticipated shift.

Also bought my grad trip tickets today(: i’m stoked for it!! Flights and accoms for bkk and krabi are settled, left with chiangmai- the last leg of the trip. I hope 2k is enough.

Another note, we both know. And that’s the saddest part. Sigh.

Goodnight, meeting HKU peeps tmr for brunch!

xx

0124h; the new place.

1914h; if it’s that easy.

Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that’s all it takes
Heart’s getting torn from your mistakes
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Just say you love me, just for today
And don’t give me time ’cause that’s not the same
Want to feel burning flames when you say my name
Want to feel passion flow into my bones
Like blood through my veins
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Won’t you stay?!
Won’t you stay?!
Slowly, slowly you run for me,
But do you know me at all
Some one told me love controls everything
But only if you know!
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
(No no no no)
If you don’t wanna try,
‘Cause all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
(You’re mine)
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you’re mine
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away
Won’t you stay
Won’t you stay
and love’s floating away.
1914h; if it’s that easy.

2344h; i see u.

If you ask me, “what goals do you have in life?”

My obvious answer would be pragmatic. Since i studied Geography, it would make sense to go into the environment industry. I’m not saying i have no interests for it, but it would just be, practical and logical.

But an intimate answer would be less so. I would like a job that satisfies me. Pays for my bills, funds my travels; something that i like. It might seem aimless and goalless for many. Because telling someone “searching for anything that interests me/i like to pursue” definitely isn’t gonna make the cut since it’s not specific enough. They will be like, “but what do you reaaallly want” And i guess if they aren’t satisfied with my answer, they’ll label me “she don’t know what she wants to achieve“. Of course i want an end to this gun era, freedom to love & express, a shift towards bringing climate change to a minimum, protecting our oceans etc. What i want runs deeper than normal desires. My priorities are definitely different. At this point, i just want something that i can be satisfied with and enough for me to make a change in the world and for myself.

So, what job am i applying for? Anything and everything that catches my eye.

xx

2344h; i see u.