1457h;

it’s hard to have a proper conversation huh.

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1457h;

2019h; it makes my insides twist.

i know you worked the entire day that’s why you couldn’t reply and i know you’ve been sick for a while so it feels like you’re straining yourself talking to me. i know you are not in the wrong but why am i so annoyed and pissed even though you apologized for something you don’t have control over. and when you texted me wanting to talk, i just have no mood for it and i don’t know, create a conflict out of something that doesn’t have to be a conflict, something that i can just turned a blind eye to.

.

.

.

and when i said bye, you really left.

 

k.

 

2019h; it makes my insides twist.

2204; i wonder if my message got across right.

I want but im choosing what to cut out so i can save up for smth else                                                                                    is not u is the event. Lol like if i can refuse to go for smth i rly like gg for means i can easily refuse other things right!! So ya this is motivation for me lel

this is me trying to even convince myself because this whole part of my life has come to such a low that i am so scared that one of these days i wont have a house to go home to. and my parents suddenly won’t have income at the same time. that the only ones who really do are my sis and my bro. what then? thinking of the worst case scenario but trying to remain as optimistic as possible. cutting out anything that i don’t need. shopping less, trying to eat less. wanting to cook at home but it’s hard with me gone during meal times, at work. i hate it when people tell me, oh i don’t really need the job i don’t really need the money. i look at them then i think to myself, what a good life. i look at those who been studying and studying that they don’t have time to do anything but their priorities and wish that i was one of them. i’ve always worked because i needed the money. and it i especially so this year. you probably think that i’m just another spoilt child who took off her rose-tinted glasses. well, at least i’ve grown up, as much as i hate to say it. i know it’s bad to compare – trust me, i’ve read enough articles and watched enough videos to know that. but you know, sometimes you really just can’t help it. and what you spend somewhere, you gotta squeeze dry elsewhere. say, i ate a $15 meal. then the next day, i would eat one less or eat at home (biscuits and bread). it’s not so bad now that i’m working two jobs. but i still feel it. everytime someone suggest japanese, korean, good food other than hawker or food court, my mind just goes sigh, just this time. gonna have to eat cheaper for the next one. my parents are eating even cheaper than me. i can only imagine the weight of our loads plus the company’s on them. i am sad that i don’t get to eat dinner with them for the past 2 weeks because i’m working. (maybe i’m also feeling extra emotional because i’m on my period but honestly it is during this time that i feel vulnerable enough to say something; maybe everything for the past month or so …) the only things making me truly happy deep down is when i get to have family time, when i get into my bed, when i talk to n. on weds, when i think about my masters. the other times, i am happy but there is always something missing. i hate this feeling of vulnerability and sympathy and a part of me just wants to go somewhere where no one will find me.

i’m sorry this post is so convoluted.. i just needed  a  s p a c e  to let it out and then i’ll be ok again. i feel like i can’t turn to anyone because they won’t understand me even if i tell them about my situation so this is the only place i can come to. the gym is my other happy place but it’s been on and off and it’s difficult if i have these thoughts at 10pm because obvioiusly i’m not going to gym at 2200.

some nights when i lay in bed and look out my window and the cars/empty road beneath, thoughts of suicide come to mind, paranoia and constant worry that i just have to swallow it down even when im near to tears before i force myself to head to dreamworld when everything becomes ok again. recently, i have a couple of nights where i’d wake up at 3 or 4 and i can’t fall back asleep till 5/6 and then wake up at 830 because of my body clock. and i just feel so drained and low…

i feel like we’re going to go bankrupt soon. i feel it in my bones and i’m scared to death. more than anything else in the world. cos then, what will happen to my dad and mom. especially my dad. i actually don’t want them to die of diseases before me. let me die before them if it means i’m giving them quality years of life after. i don’t know whether i said it here before; one of my goals in life, is to provide my parents enough to travel the world without worrying so much. that my monthly allowance to them is enough to cover all their expenses. and for that, i’m going to work fucking hard for my masters and get my dream job which pays me fucking well because they need me in disaster prediction and earth studies — i mean, who else wants to study rocks in depth? that’s right, it’s fucking rare and it’s fucking beautiful.

so i hope i got my message across right. i’d now rather a meal and drinks and teoheng and movies over an event like this. i’d rather quality time. because that’s how i define quality time. not something where you can hardly see each other in the dark. talk in overcrowded places, rushing for houses. yeah sure you can talk during the long queues, but i don’t find that quality. i’m sorry if we have different definitions of quality now; i’ve changed i guess?

see? i’m back to myself again. my eyes have dried and i feel much better and ready to conquer the rest of the week and weeks to come.

 

xx

2204; i wonder if my message got across right.

1321h; i swear this is the most exhausting recess week of my entire uni life. 

Sad to say that this morning was one of those rare days where my body actually slept in i.e. half past 0900 and it was raining so i stayed in bed till 1100. 

i haven’t felt that nua in weeks even on weekends which is such a tragedy. it’s either my body clock waking me up at 8 or  i have something to do – work, revision, essay, brunch. 

i’m not saying that i don’t get enough sleep. actually, i do. when i don’t, my body just breaks down and i’ll be running a mild fever. oh, the joy of getting old. 

it’s just that recess week is coming to an end and i felt like i’ve not slowed down and nua-ed. 

study > work > interview > meeting > work > meeting > interview. 

dammit.



xx

1321h; i swear this is the most exhausting recess week of my entire uni life. 

0933h; the first love.

and after the first one, you learn.

you just learn that 2 people can live without each other.

2 people can be in a relationship and be in love

but not head over heels for each other.

because

that’s just how a real relationship works.

you learn to be independent and less reliant on your partner.

you learn that it’s nice to have him there supporting but it’s even better to continue to do what you normally do.

we all learn after the first one.

so can you.

 

 

 

i’ll give you one day of grief and then, wipe off those damn tears. they aren’t worth spilling.

0933h; the first love.

2023h; i want to be a

geologist

  • interpret subsurface — identify rocks — seek out routes where contamination may take place i.e. if there’s an earthquake that damage the nuclear reactor, waste pollution; investigate contamination pathways
  • groundwater

disaster predictor (?) — no idea what this position is called, help?

  • involved with earthquakes, volcanic eruption, studying the earth
  • predicting extent of impact and recommending mitigation

conservationist

  • part time side job with income from a proper job
  • marine conservationist, save the seagrass, save the dugongs.

travel writer

  • jot down, photograph, video and create authentic experiences and share it to the world
  • create create create
2023h; i want to be a