last night, i laid in bed with my mind constantly whirring. it was keeping me awake – my fear was keeping me awake, reluctant to fall asleep. this june-july, i’ll be facing my deep phobia and a huge part of me wants to back out from this but a tiny little voice has kept me going, you won’t know what lies beyond these walls; what if you love it so deeply, wouldn’t you have regretted not trying? the same thoughts and feelings kept me in conflict. i’ve never felt such a tremendous fear and disinclination before but since everything else has been booked and settled, there’s no more time for me to sit here and whine about it. i just gotta go . find out if what lies beyond is meant for me and what’s holding me back is nothing but my irrationality.