#Blessed

8:08PM.

You know, times like now, i feel immensely blessed. Blessed about my life, my current situation and especially, the people i have with me. Little handwritten notes, verbal encouragements, family distractions i.e. movie nights, exchange interrogation. I’m just so thankful that I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded with love. But, often, I overlook this small actions and take them for granted. Perhaps the path is foggy now, at least I know I’ve got a support group. People who’ll miss me, peopel who care for me, peopel who love me. So ya, whatever I have written next –it was sitting in my draft-isn’t as tragic as it seems i.e. the badlifechoices i made but can’t remember anymore.

 

10 November 2016 {edited}

This semester has got me swinging from highs to lows and back again. I felt a multitude of emotions from absolute frustration, to heartbreaking sadness to extreme happiness to real loneliness to …

There were times which left me so drained and perplexed and upset and angry and helpless. There were times where i was taken aback, encouraged, inspired, elated, thankful, appreciative. It wasn’t a wild ride, no. But many times, there was so much internal stress, self-questioning and the constant worry of things within my control.

I blame these reflective and “emo” posts on my period.

… And, i don’t think it has really dawned on me that this excuse doesn’t work for a few months straight huh..

It’s probably my time of quarter-life crisis, although I’m only 21. You know, I discovered my first white hair this semester?! Can you imagine the amount of worry and stress I felt hahaha

For whoever who still reads, I know I sound like a whiny ass pussy – it’s up to you if you wanna carry on reading.

A year ago, things were very different; I was different. Last year had a lot to do with comparing myself to others, it had alot to do with my self-esteem. Why wasn’t I outspoken, why did i feel so insecure, so nervous? This year though, there was more emotional growth involved. Yes, I still compared and brought myself down –haha as evident in the previous few entries. It’s insane how one year makes a difference. One year ago, I was fretting and being so “standard” in my internship application, but this year? I was myself. The opportunities that were presented, taken away or dreamed about – they all made me stronger.

Now, let’s talk about vulnerability. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable. This semester has got my mental and emotional being feeling so raw as it can be. School, friends … like i said, it was a ride. I took modules alone this semester. I wanted to be independent and I was haha, I also had more consequences to face, more times to be initiative and be outspoken and talk to people. It was really a confidence booster and a security blanket, especially since I’ll be leaving for exchange in 1.5 months time. For 2 years, I was in the comfort zone of having T take all same classes as me. For this sem, I went in thinking I’d be alone but through it, I made new friends during lectures/tutorials, I talked and sought help from my professors simply because I was doing it alone, I had to grow up and take care of myself.  Two of the modules I took (and have finals for), they weren’t the modules I wanted to take in the first place. i.e. I bidded for my South Asians in Singapore Society mod in the second last round (3b) cos I couldn’t get anything else/nothing left. But they were the ones I learnt the most from and felt quite productive doing. Of course, they are the most content heavy. Haha. I don’t know, I’d never thought I would learn about Indians or Romans but here I am, I know their history and how they are actually intimately linked despite the 2000 years gap? Fascinating, isn’t it?

I picked up a skill this semester too. What started out as “just work” ended up being very enjoyable. Waking up at 5.20am and reaching 30 minutes early so I can take a nap and not be late for work on Monday mornings at Humble Origins. Gosh, I think it’s one of the things I have to be thankful for this semester as well. Making coffee – again, never thought I’d really learn to be a barista 2 years after my stint at The Sandwich Shop where I was just playing around/curious about steaming milk. What started out as “yeah okay” turned out to my source of motivation for this semester and it taught me a lesson: money is so friggin hard to make and saving it is even harder. I’m still learning, still learning.

There was alot of ego-stroking over the past 3 months. It was for an unhealthy self-gratification purpose. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop. It was instant. It was there when I just wanted to be distracted from the realities of life, when I was feeling so uninspired and bored. Swiping was easy. Way too easy. As the matches increase, my ego rose. But for what? It wasn’t doing anything for me. I wasn’t learning or improving, in fact, I thought I was stooping to a lower level and devaluing myself. hahah making myself sound like i’m priceless but aiya it’s just the feels when i was doing it; it didn’t seem right. I mean, I was using people and that was what gradually made me feel cheapened(?). Last month, I decided to stop and while it was fun for a while, I’m glad I “came back”. Felt so narcissistic and shallow and cheap and dumb… you get the picture. (:

Okay, it’s 8:45PM now. It’s my last round of revision for my Empires module cos finals are tomorrow and I honestly can’t wait for it to be over. It’s been a longgg, drawn out battle with you, Rome.

So, to end off, I just wanna say

Carthago delenda est!

 

xx

 

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#Blessed

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