f r u s t r a t i o n
this takes me back 2 years. when it was burning there. everytime when the memory and the feeling resurface, i get so angry and frustrated and most of all, regretful. i finally saw what i am. i am the type of person who convinces herself out of situations is my forte. again, making it sound or exaggerating it to be difficult. i can’t believe this. i should be happy – and i am genuinely happy – but there is just this part of me that is gnawing away slowly. why do some people have it so easy. have it handed right on a platter to them while others try so hard and never actually getting it. why do i hate where i’m in so much and why do i try to delude myself everytime something good happens once in a while. why. why why. why didn’t i go abroad 2 years ago. why didn’t i risk it for my dream. why am i stuck here, put through this general system, not even getting to do what i want to do. why. jealous of all the things i sincerely wanted but it was never within my reach.
is this really a fading dream.
a excerpt from my 19 year old self:
… Since Alevel results & the university acceptance results were released, , I was debating between NTU and NUS, about my dreams, goals, future career. I was practically having a quarter-life crisis. But that all changed after Finals ended. I decided not to transfer out of NUS anymore. I’ll stay in this path that God has paved out for me but I’ll carve my own experiences, moments, memories, skills into them to make it a personalised path I am proud to walk on. It doesn’t mean I have given up my dream of a volcanologist/geologist. It just means I’ve accepted it completely and have opened up my options. I guess, in this way, I’ve grown more independent & wiser – mentally, physically and emotionally. So yes, that was one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in 2014.