Rather than spending the next hour watching Master’s Sun, I think it would be better to write about something which I came across yesterday.
I heard that what people capture on their camera/video recorders are a reflection of what they fear the most. With that, I interpreted it to (also) mean what people fear losing the most. So far, my entries on this blog have been nothing but the gold little moments. Until now, my writings are not only about myself, but about others too.
Whenever I used to get the chance,
I would tell the other: “i’m not afraid of death itself; i’m only afraid of the way i die.”
To this day, I don’t think what I said exactly resonates with what I really feel. As usual, I’m putting on a metal armor to shield myself from what people think and most of all, to put a barrier between what i want to think and what i actually feel. By doing so, not only am I distancing myself from the cold truth that I am afraid of death, not myself but of others, I am preventing myself from truly cherishing the time I have.
Deathly thoughts will always be a lingering shadow to my existence.
As the years went by and I grew up, I began to wonder when will it ever be the time to leave this planet? I cannot fathom growing old, neither can I think about seeing the other die. Sometimes I wish that I’ll be the one going to heaven first (it’s funny how we use positive words to cover up a negative event just to make us feel better). How wonderful it is to be haunted with thoughts of being deceased.
Being gifted with foresight, it’s probably best for me to embrace it rather than shut it down and wrap it up with a ribbon. My visuals will still be the same. How I navigate it in real life will, hopefully, be a different story.