Tonight, as I lay on my bed & try my best to fight the urge to sleep before I forget, I thought about things I knew I would have to acknowledge before & now it’s way past its due time. It’s becoming crystal clear that it’s about time I face what I avoided. Switching over to VSCO, setting up this space, relying too much on instagram and getting consumed by snapchat. Since when did I start letting “likes” or views define me? Was it that 40 likes mark when i first had my ootd taken? Or was it 70? 90? My first 100 when I was in Maldives? How about 120 likes now? Would that please me? Or would i just go “meh, it’s not enough”? Since when did instagram turned from a space of random thoughts & moments and a creative space become a topic an acquaintance would bring up to get the conversation going? Since when did my being took a step back from my virtual self?
And as I continued to ignore the fact that nothing was wrong and it’s just a matter of time before inspiration came flowing back, I lost part of myself. With university, companies and social media being intimately connected and the increasing peer pressure, I found myself caught in between. Caught in between being in the know and being independent from social media. I found myself creeping to platforms with no “likes” function. Oh even if they do, there are lesser people I know on it. Or there’s simply no knowledge of me finding out who’s reading/seeing this and that. While that’s said, my online journals are a different story. Yes, there’s views and likes and all. But most are strangers or just people who I don’t know, who’ve just followed me up till today. Maybe they aren’t even people, maybe they’re robots! You know, like MSN days.
I guess, instagram, facebook, snapchat… they were fun while it lasted. And I probably won’t stop posting on instagram since it’s an extension of a different side to myself, but for Facebook? I’ve long backed out of there except to read interesting articles and watch videos. Snap, I started using it when I was 17, only to stop for 2 years before encouraged to join the family again. Now, it’s just gotten to the point where I became obsessed over it. Over the content I put up and over stalking and wishing for the lives of others.
Noticing the bits of me always covering my face with my phone, unable to enjoy company without a screen or without sharing. It’s about time I put the apps away and focus on the now. On the people in front of me, their expressions, the tone of their laughter, the ambience. If it weren’t for this memory of mine, detachment would be my therapy. That’s not to give myself an excuse but serves as a reminder to continue to be independent. I know it’s time for me to stop resisting my body and go to sleep.