I’m always at loss for words whenever this question is asked. From my perspective, i have lived a very sheltered, law-abiding life. It’s boring. But it’s safe. It’s something that i’ve been molded into by the system. Being obedient, playing by the rules. When i’m on social media or just watching some tv /films, i would think, ‘wow, i want that life’, ‘if only i wasn’t so much of a sissy’, ‘why do i have to be such an introvert’…
I feel like a sponge being tightly wound up by rubber bands which are the ‘rules’ and ‘self-control’ mechanisms that people here live by. It’s hard to break out of this mold. But i’m trying. Maybe university has given me more freedom to do so. Maybe i’m trying to test how far out i can go before i snap back to my usual self. Maybe it’s just Kiasu-ism. Occasionally, i find myself trapped within myself, trapped by ideas of restrain.
We were born as plain canvases. The system raises us up with standard ideals of perfection. We strive for them. Yet, we lose ourselves. What we relate to, who we are goes back to those standard meanings and statuses. What really makes us who we are? They’re the molements beyond lists, beyond academics, beyond rankings, beyond ccas, beyond gender …
What’s the craziest thing i’ve done? I don’t think i’ve racked up enough crazy moments (retarded, yes) in my life yet. Or the ones memorable enough to be able to linger on in my mind. So, until i find them, i hope that i’ll stop wishing for someone else’s life and start living mine. For every minute I spend being jealous over another is a minute of crazy i could’ve created for myself.